About the girlfriend thing.

[bubosquared]

Yes, I always said I didn't need a lover. I stil don't. I just. I want. Someone to love. Or multiple someones to love. Love as more than just friends, you know.

I loathe myself for this. It'd be okay if I was just crushing on a specific someone, but wanting anyone, any random person, to bestow my caring on? It's just ... so much not what I stand for. Gah.

I suck.

Comments

[rigour.livejournal.com]

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[aoboshi.livejournal.com]

Loneliness gets boring after a while, I guess. I was never into the relationship thing either, but now that I am in one...it has its ups and downs, but...you put yourself into it and reaching out to another person on a whole different level is just...wonderful. Sometimes painful, most of the time stressful (for me), but always wonderful.

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

But I wasn't feeling this need when I was actually alone. It wasn't until I'd acquired some real friends (Nat, Mol, Tri, Steve. Especially Steve.) that I started feeling this. That's why I'm confused.

It's also the knowledge that I onle know Steve IRL and I can't feel more for him than just friendship, and I don't know where to go to find someone that I can feel that for.

Yes, there's the GLB organisation, but my lesbian friend's told me that she had bad experiences with it. Apparently, punks and goths are not liked there, and guess what kind of girls I'm most attracted to? Yeah.

Also, I have problems connecting to people IRL. One of the reasons I think Steve and I clicked the way we did was because we 'met' online. I knew he'd read my journal and knew all there was to know about me, so I didn't have to work up the courage to tell him certain things about who I am, about my life.

Maybe I should start frequenting the Belgian glb chatrooms. Except most of them are Java and I loathe jave chats. And 90% of it seems to be sex-oriented. Hrm.

Never mind me, I'm waffling.

[voldsom]

Hugs

I think I know what you mean. It's something that goes beyond friendship and into what I sometimes imagine family might be like. With me it manifests as a desire for physical contact. A need to just touch or hug someone occasionally.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it, just... Needing to give something of yourself to others. Which would make it almost a good thing.

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

But I have the physical thing. Not to the point of sex, but then I don't really want sex. I want romance. I don't know. I'm confused right now.

[crotalus-atrox.livejournal.com]

You don't suck! ::hugs:: I adore you, Melle, you're a sweetheart, and I totally understand where you're coming from. I felt like that too.

And when I take over the world? I am gonna marry you and Avarice, and we can rule the world together. ::smile::

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Awww. *blush* Thanks, San. I adore you, too. And I'll keep you to that. ;)

[evilbliss.livejournal.com]

Awwww...you don't suck, Melle. I think everyone has that want at some point in their lives. (And for some people they have that want all the time, but that's another story for another time.)

Anyway, I'm probably not making much sense, but I know exactly where you're coming from. :)

*hugs*

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm just new to this whole thing, you know? Rarely even had this close friendships before, and those all ended badly or just ... dwindled.

[evilbliss.livejournal.com]

Same here. For the longest time I didn't even have close friends. Even now, I barely keep in touch with the people I'm the closest to. *shrugs*

*more hugs*

[paranoidschizo.livejournal.com]

Don't worry. We're in the same boat. That Kieth guy that I made out with and gave my number? I'm praying he calls with every ounce of my being. Ugh. I hate to think that I'm in lust because I'm not, but my stomach gets all cramped up when I think about having someone to hug and touch and kiss like I did last night.

Of course, he was tripping on three hits of acid before he met up with us, but I hope I waited long enough afterward so that I wasn't taking advantage of him. But he was so lonely! I was so lonely! It just made sense. His friend was rolling so that was no use.

So, you're not pathetic, and I hate myself for getting my hopes up. But the way he smiled at me at 6:00 when we pulled out of there with him on my lap... either he's a really good actor/bastard, or he really dug me. Damn it. My friend told me not to get my hopes up.

It's the human condition to want to love someone.

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

It's not the need in and of itself, it's the feeling that anyone would do as long as I was able to love them as more than friends. It makes me feel so ... pathetic? Desperate? Something.

I hope things work out between you and Keith. :)

Re:

[paranoidschizo.livejournal.com]

That's what I mean! I feel so pathetic, because on one hand it was a party and it could be just a one-night fling. But on the other hand, it's got potential to be so much more. I'm trying to just keep it as something that was great while it lasted and try not to jump for the phone every two seconds. ::sigh::

Please please please please call, lol. ::being pathetic::

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

You didn't ask his phonenumber?

He'll call. I know he will.

[ex-shadowlig161.livejournal.com]

*big hugs* You don't suck, doll. I know exactly how you feel. I'll be sitting on the bus, or walking down the street, or anywhere, and I just watch all the girls. And I wonder. And I know I can never do anything more than wonder, and it hurts. I don't even want a girlfriend, really... I just want someone to cuddle and hold and love. I think that's all anyone really wants. So don't feel bad... because you're an amazing, sweet, wonderful person, and you deserve that, and you will find that. I know you will. *more hugs*

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

I know. I do it too, the watching-and-wanting thing. But I'm just not able to initiate conversation with someone IRL. Online, I can do it sometimes, but usually not. And I don't know how to tell people face-to-face about my emotional scars, my ambitions, my life, myself.

It's so much easier to let my journal do the talking for me.

Re:

[ex-shadowlig161.livejournal.com]

Same here... I think that's why I love my LJ so much, too. Because if something happens, and people ask "what's up", I just say, "Go read my LJ." Saves me from actually having to talk about it... real life is even worse. I don't open up to *anyone*. I can talk to people - but just superficial, inane chatter. Nothing *real*.

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

And you know, a journal's always awake, always ready, always patient, always there, as a substitute for 'real people', and yet the real people I want to tell about whatever will be able to read it if they're interested.

Re:

[ex-shadowlig161.livejournal.com]

Exactly... it's the perfect intermediary.

[safti]

I shall reiterate something that's been said a few times now: you do not suck.
We all need someone to express emotions to and through. We all need at least one person who knows that we care, because we do care, and the need to love is just as strong as the need to love.

We all need someone to cuddle, to adore romantically.

[Sex is something else, though it can be nice when the two coincide [or more painful, depending on whether or not it's directed at a particular person or is just a general feeling, and in the first case whether or not it's resolved [like, actually happening as opposed to a painful unresolved crush/love]].]

[safti]

Uhm, that should be "the need to love is just as strong as the need to be loved". Gah.

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It's just hard for me to figure out all this emotional shit, you know? I never know if I'm supposed to be feeling what I feel.

[safti]

I've never thought of it that way, really - I've always been under the impression that if you feel some way, there's a reason. Even if it's irrational, I usually go "Okay. Feeling bad. What can I do to feel good?" [After I'm done moping, of course. :-) ]

But that doesn't always work for everyone.

But the point is, I think we all "feel what [we're] supposed to feel" - it's just that feeling bad never feels right, because, well, it feels bad.

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Thing is, I've not really had any real feelings between ages 14 and 19, so I never have any idea wether it's okay for me to be feeling, say, jealousy, or wether what I'm feeling is intense friendship or more. Emotionally, I'm still in my puberty. :/

*hugs*

[almightychrissy.livejournal.com]

I wish I knew what to tell you, but I don't, other than you most certainly do NOT suck.

I do sorta know what you're feeling. I think it's naural to want somone to be all warm and fuzzy with. Little kids have stuffed animals and as we get older, we tend to want "real people" stuffed animals so to speak. I think people are just wired to crave romance, if they weren't, fanfic wouldn't be so popular and the movie industry would have a lot less money :)

And regardless of whether you do or don't want someone to love, I still think you rock :)

Re: *hugs*

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Yet again, Ta. And good point re: ff and movies. ^_^