About the girlfriend thing.

[bubosquared]

Yes, I always said I didn't need a lover. I stil don't. I just. I want. Someone to love. Or multiple someones to love. Love as more than just friends, you know.

I loathe myself for this. It'd be okay if I was just crushing on a specific someone, but wanting anyone, any random person, to bestow my caring on? It's just ... so much not what I stand for. Gah.

I suck.

Comments

[ex-shadowlig161.livejournal.com]

*big hugs* You don't suck, doll. I know exactly how you feel. I'll be sitting on the bus, or walking down the street, or anywhere, and I just watch all the girls. And I wonder. And I know I can never do anything more than wonder, and it hurts. I don't even want a girlfriend, really... I just want someone to cuddle and hold and love. I think that's all anyone really wants. So don't feel bad... because you're an amazing, sweet, wonderful person, and you deserve that, and you will find that. I know you will. *more hugs*

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

I know. I do it too, the watching-and-wanting thing. But I'm just not able to initiate conversation with someone IRL. Online, I can do it sometimes, but usually not. And I don't know how to tell people face-to-face about my emotional scars, my ambitions, my life, myself.

It's so much easier to let my journal do the talking for me.

Re:

[ex-shadowlig161.livejournal.com]

Same here... I think that's why I love my LJ so much, too. Because if something happens, and people ask "what's up", I just say, "Go read my LJ." Saves me from actually having to talk about it... real life is even worse. I don't open up to *anyone*. I can talk to people - but just superficial, inane chatter. Nothing *real*.

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

And you know, a journal's always awake, always ready, always patient, always there, as a substitute for 'real people', and yet the real people I want to tell about whatever will be able to read it if they're interested.

Re:

[ex-shadowlig161.livejournal.com]

Exactly... it's the perfect intermediary.