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EXPLOSIONS IN AGHANISTAN!

Nonononono not again!

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Clarification: I don't know if Clinton would've been more 'peaceful' than Bush. I don't know for sure if Bush'llgo to war. but Clinton made me feel safer. And right now I just want to feel safe.

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Gonna go to sleep. Gonna tape Bush's speech in an hour and a half. I'm an emotional wreck. I need sleep, or I'll be dead tomorrow.

Have been playing One on endless repeat for the past few hours. Drowning out CNN. If I hear much more talk about retaliation and revenge, I will scream. I think I'll leave the song on through the night. Don't wanna face the silence.

I want to go to sleep, and when i wke up, I want my world to make sense again.

Morning after

Just woke up. Sat down at the computer, and the enormity of it finally hit. Actually cried, as opposed to the sobbing of yesterday. I'm not really scared anymore. Just immensely sad.

And pissed off. Emmy, I know what you mean. I think of myself as a peacceful, forgiving person, and I want to shoot these bastards. Personally.

(But I don't want tos see them bombed, as people seem to want. Just. No. No more explosions.)

One is still playing.

Is it getting better? 
Or do you feel the same? 
Will it make it easier on you now? 
You got someone to blame 

You say: one love, one life 
When it's one need in the night 
One love - we get to share it 
Leaves you, baby, if you don't care for it 

Did I disappoint you? 
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth? 
You act like you never had love 
And you want me to go without 

Well it's too late, tonight 
To drag the past out into the light 
We're one, but we're not the same 
We get to carry each other, carry each other 

Have you come here for forgiveness? 
Have you come to raise the dead? 
Have you come here to play Jesus? 
To the lepers in your head 

Did I ask too much - more than a lot 
You gave me nothing - now it's all I got 
We're one, but we're not the same 
Well we hurt each other, then we do it again 

You say: love is a temple - love a higher law 
Love is a temple - love the higher law 
You ask me to enter - then you make me crawl 
And I can't be holding on to what you got 
When all you got is hurt 

One love - one blood 
One life - you got to do what you should 
One life with each other 
Sisters, brothers 
One life, but we're not the same 
We get to carry each other, carry each other 
One - one 

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Part of me wanted to scream at God and demand (s)he do something about this. or at least to stop the war. Then I thought: Holocaust.

I wish I believed in a god who cared for each individual being. I don't. But I do believe in a god who created humanity as basically good, and as survivors.

We will get through this.

Justice, not revenge

I want the people who did this. I want the ones who set it up, the ones who executed, hell right now I'm willing to have the entire Taliban killed for this. I want to see justice done.

I don't want revenge. I don't want to see more innocents killed, I don't want us to sink to their level, and I don't want to see this turn into a full-scale war.

And i want the actual people who planned this killed, no scapegoats. Because if innocents are punished for this, the people who actually did it will have gotten away with it, and that more than anything is what I don't want.

I don't have prayers.

And I shouldn't care in times like this, but people calling others to pray are .. doing something to me. I don't pray. I don't believe in a meddling god. I don't believe praying solves anything. I want to go over there and help clear the rubble, search for survivors, donate blood. That would help, if only a little. I can't go there, and I'm not allowed to donate blood because of the tatts and the piercing. All I can do is hope everyone I know is okay, that their families and friends are okay, and try and send a message to those who have lost people that they will not be forgotten.

But I will not pray.

I cannot pray. I don't know how. Not everyone is Christian, not every christian prays. I feel as if my failure to pray is somehow a sign that I don't care enough. I do. I just care in different ways.

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As to the Palestinian celebrations, I think all of these people made note-worthy remarks.

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It's still inadequate, but I changed the tribute on the main page.

Femgeeks: Click through. Read the statement there. If you feel this is something you can get behind, download it, put your name underneath it, and re-upload. Spead the word, yo.

Everyone else: Feel free to gack the image if you want one without references to prayers.

Life goes on

My HT package shall be arriving later today. I will have journals. I will start writing my demented JuNi bunny for Ins' birthday. I will write about glittery prettybois touching each other in sexy ways, and pretend that my life is more or less back to normal.

I will clean, and cook, and try to coax my cat, and try on the new skirt.

I will not, however, start cleaning the mess that is my chest. My pictures from NY are in there. I would start looking through them, and come across the one good picture I took there, and cry. It's of the WTC. A picture of a ghost, of a graveyard.

Life moves on. I gave as much as I could to the Red Cross. I wish I could do more.

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I just went back (and back and back and back) into my friends page to the first report of the second plane, about 23 hours ago, and saved everything. 12 pages of 50 comments each. I'm not sure why.

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Thank you

Thanks to everyone who reassured my yesterday, everyone who kept me updated, to Sae (sivan) for hand-holding and worrying, and to everyone else for being alive and well.

And now for something completely different:

So Tri and I are talking about this conversation (the bit starting with my remark). This followed:

Me: [...] and now I have an image of the presidental staff standing around Cheney's body going "Well fuck, *now* where are we gonna get a new president?"
Tri: The speaker of the House.
Tri: And <g> Dammit. Now it's stuck in my head.
Me: And opening a door and yelling "Next!" to a line of waiting candidates.
Me: I am so fucked-up.
Tri: Yes. Yes, you are.
Me: And Al Gore trying to cut in line, only to be blocked by John McCain. "*growl* Take a number, punk."
Tri: *snicker*

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I think in a way it's easier for me to process this, ebcause unlike the Americans, I've never had the illusion that my country was safe. We've been occupied twice in the 171 years of our existance. Wars have been waged scarily close to us. I remember Tshernobil. I remember the Bende van Nijvel (Nijvel Gang), who have never been caught.

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Bin Laden threatens to strike like no one's ever stricken before. Three weeks later, Black Tuesday. Bin Laden denies involvment.

Something doesn't ring true here. People were claiming the attack even though they hadn't. If he has, why is he denying?

Shit. If it's not him, are we ever going to find out who really did it?

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The weird thing is that all through it, even though I overreacted ad worried, I never panicked. I was calm. Collected. If there was gonna be a war, I would be ready. Weird.

Weirder still is that despite my need to connect and talk to people, the thought of seeing actual people other than strangers or my collegues is ... off-putting.

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Have HT package.

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Tidal wave of grief #298. And I haven't even checked my friends page since I left work.

I'm going to go clean now. I need some physical exhaustion.

Note to self:

You haven't paid your rent yet, and if yu don't take out the trash tomorrow, I hereby grant anyone with an urge to hit something to hit you.

That is all.

Scattered thoughts

What Sae said. Please, people, this is about loss of human lives, not American lives.

I find it completely too much for words (in the good way) that people whose lives have actually been affected by this still have the time and desire to want to hug me or pray for me. And they think I'm a good person?

I'm speechless, all of you. Em, sweetie, one day I will meet you in person and give you that hug. Adelaide, I promise, I'm okay. I'm safe, my loved ones are safe, my cat is safe. I'm fed and watered, my flat is clean, and I'm calm. I'm just a big worrywart, because I feel like as long as I see things coming, I'm able to face them, so I keep imagining worse case scenarios. And Bethany? Of course I care, you dolt. :) So many people I care about are over there, yourself included.

If anyone knows of anything I could do, besides donating money (which I have) and blood (which I can't), let me know? Please? I hate feeling helpless.

I think I'm gonna follow some people's example and try to write some, if I can. (Sae? Can you come on AIM? I wanna babble.)

Dear brain,

That was the most inapropriate idea you have had in our life. Please don't ever do that again.

Sincerely,
Me