bubosquared | Mar. 5th, 2002

Reunion Countdown: 11 days
No Longer A Pedophile Countdown: 176 days

Why is there no one on MSM? No one! I've been deserted! Help! Triiiii! I miss youuuu!

PhotoShop's been uninstalled from this computer, and I can't find the CD anymore. I have the jewel case, but not the CD. I could bring the PS6 CD from home, but I can't remember where I put the serial number. Because yes, I am a dumbass. I'm about to download Paint Shop Pro, despite not having used it in ages. Need my graphics fix!

I'm seriously feeling a lot of fannish love right now. See, this is why, despite the politics, despite the crappy stories, despite the divas and the drama queens and the stupid fucks who pull inane stunts, this is why I'm still in fandom after more than five years of that. Because I love it when I can share a love with other peole, when we're having a conversation that exists entirely of trying to out-squee each other and listing all the things we love about a prticular picture/guy/girl/song/performance, when I'm planning purely hypothetical road trips to Russia to see the pups with lido_kitty, or having 100+ comments conversations with sivan about Harry Potter, or whatever.

I've been a fangirl since I was twelve. You would not believe the things I used to know about the Beatles. Seriously, at one point, I could sing the entire Red and Blue Album, front to cover, by heart. I loved these guys something fiery. But the obsession withered, as all of mine do, though the love never dies. I still love the Beatles, I still hold and unholy love for all things Dylan, I still think S:AaB is one of the best things to ever hit the screen, I still like BMfM, I still love Metallica, and even when this fire dies down, I will still love *NSync. It might not be the fierce love I'm feeling now, but it will always be there.

And who know, maybe five years from now when theyv'e broken up and Justin's pulled a Robbie Williams, and hardly anyone even remembers that Lance Bass, Big Shot Producer, used to be in a boyband, and Chris is off in FuMan-land doing his thing, and JC's happily being the Bob Dylan of the Pop Generation, and Joey's on Broadway or whatever, maybe there'll be an *NSync Behind The Music on VH1, and some of us will suddenly remember that channel called #puppies and head over there and we'll talk about the good old days and maybe rekindle the love. God knows that's happened to me before.

Er, the point to those last three parapgraphs was to say that I love fandom, despite everithing, not to be melancholy about it as it's happening. Damn fingers running away with me!

There are things I want to say but won't because it'll just be more trouble than it's worth, and. I hate that I lost the personal-ness of my journal. That thing helped me get a lot of things straight in my head, and now I need to do that again and I can't because I'm being watched. Private entries don't work for me, I need to feel like someone's reading, someone impartial and non-judgmental. Even my "inner circle" friends group is still too large for this, contains too many people who could be hurt by what I want to say, and I hate doing that to people, hate feeling maipulative, because half the reason I'm feeling upset now is because I feel I'm being manipulated. There are three people in the world I can talk to about this without being scared they'll feel hurt by implication, and two of them have been offline since yesterday.

I need a smoke. Think I'll go do that, then do some actual work, and maybe after that yahoo will be back on so I can read some email. And maybe I can write some Sloth over lunch.

Anyone got any pictures to share with me? I'm in a fannish mood.