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[bubosquared]

In which Jess (natlet) and I review U2 Mary Sue hetfic, squickgrrl-style.

femgeek: Okay: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=490729 -- Read it through a first time, then I'll c&p theworst bits and we comment. K?
fretless16: k
fretless16: Done. Ow, ow, my eyes, the horror.
femgeek: Okies. Right, then, let's start.

The summary of this is:
Bono is enchanted and seduced by a young woman. This is my first fanfic and first story I've written since I was forced to by my teacher when I was 12. Please R&R... be as harsh as you want! :)

femgeek: This is our first clue that the story sucks ass. Mary Sue Alert!
femgeek: But hey, she said we're allowed to be as harsh as we want.
fretless16: But hey, we have permission to rip it to pieces!
femgeek: Indeed!

It was dusk. The clouds on the horizon shown copper and orange as the sun sank down. The remaining light of the day shimmered on the surface of the lake and turned the tops of the trees brilliant green. And from behind a pair of sunglasses Bono lay on the side of a hill watching it all. He was happy to have some time to himself. This was one of his favorite spots. He would often come here to write lyrics or simply relax.

femgeek: Blablablabla Short sentences, long sentences, and none of them with any sort of point.
fretless16: Those clouds done shown some pritty colors, a-yep. </hillbilly>
femgeek: Can I just point out that it annoys me when people start a sentence with "and" when it shouldn't? Argh!
fretless16: And again with either massively-huge!sunglasses or tiny-ant!Bono. I'm envisioning him hiding behind them like he's in a bunker, or something? Maybe lobbing rocks over the top and shouting "Fire in the hole!" and giggling. Playing war. Yeah.
femgeek: *giggle* Heeee. Hey! She stole my IRA!Bono! Bitch.
fretless16: Yeah, except hers has sex with girls.

"Ali's gonna kill me." He said as he pocketed his shades. Looking down at his wrist to check the time he found that it was 8:17pm.

"Jaysus, Ali's really gonna kill me!" He was supposed to be home at seven o'clock.

fretless16: His wrist gives him the time? He really must be god. Most people need a watch.
femgeek: Where do I start? That third sentence hurts my head, and who the hell is this Jaysus person?
femgeek: Lol!
femgeek: I mean, is this story set in some AU where people worship Jaysus Kraist or something?
fretless16: <snicker>
fretless16: I see the sunglasses have shrunk enough for him to put them in his pocket. Or he grew, a lot. Alice in Wonderland, anyone?
femgeek: *snerk*

Blablabla, Bono gets assaulted by a random female voice throwing pebbles at his back, and then this:
Just when the flame of his curiosity was nearly extinguished he heard the laugh again. A

delightfully amused laugh.

femgeek: "The flame of his curiousity." Jaysus.
fretless16: bwaha!
femgeek: Floating sentence fragment, there.
fretless16: "A

delightfully amused laugh."
what, did the laugh assault the author and demand its own paragraph?
femgeek: It must've. Poor author. Being assaulted by stray laughs. There ought to be a law aganist that.

And once more he spun on his heel, but now it was just his imagination adding to his panic. His heart was pounding and he felt like a bit of a fool. He turned in a slow circle.

femgeek: A slow circle?
fretless16: After spinning on his heel.
fretless16: I think he's Riverdancing!
femgeek: Ahahahah! Bono, Lord of the Dance?
femgeek: Um, no
femgeek: <g>
fretless16: Bad imagination, making him panic. "Aaaagh! Michael Flatley naked! Nooo, imagination, please no!"
femgeek: Oh, EW!
femgeek: Like I wasn't traulatised enough by the damn story, you go and do THAT?
fretless16: Sorry.
femgeek: *fist of fury*

Wiping the perspiration from his forehead, he looked up and caught sight of an open field in the middle of the forest. In the middle of the clearing an ancient stone circle stood. Through the stones he could see a young woman. Without a doubt the one that got him lost. He narrowed his eyes at her.

fretless16: See-through stones?
femgeek: Perspiration. Because, you know, Bono's god. God doesn't sweat, he perspires!
fretless16: Of course.
femgeek: And can, apparently, wipe his brow and look up at the same time. (And chew bubblegum, too!)
femgeek: And yeah, see-through stones. Wow.
fretless16: And there's a random field in the middle of the forest. "Oh, look, a field!" Not a clearing, which is ever so much more mystical and creepy. A field;, which invokes images of tractors and farmers and corn.
fretless16: Utoh. He's narrowing his eyes at her. "Dammit, bitch, I'm missing Friends;!"
femgeek: *giggle* Yeah! See, that's the whole god thing again. Bono just sad "Hey, farmers, go make a field in that forest, so I can meet a mysterious girl there and have sex with her!" So of course they had to obey.
femgeek: *snork*
fretless16: I wonder if he let the farmers stay and watch the sex? I mean, they could stand outside the stone circle and watch from there.
femgeek: Ew, dude, farmer voyeurism? That's just wrong!
fretless16: <shrug> this whole fic ;is just wrong. But anyway.
femgeek: Right. Moving on! Let's get this through with. I'm losing my appetite here.

This is where he first sees the girl:
She was a vision of beauty, no older than 20. Her long auburn hair shown copper in the soft blurred moon light. She wore a long white dress with puffy sleeves that draped down her forearms. Down her bosom and wrapped around her waist was saffron lace. The wind blew, pressing the dress against her body. Through sateen her could see long slender legs slightly parted. Her breast, unconfined by any undergarment, were full and her nipples stood erect.

fretless16: Indeed...
femgeek: *gag* MARY SUE ALERT! And a bad one, at that.
fretless16: Nice to meet you, BonaVox.
fretless16: And Jaysus, now Ali's really; gonna kill him.
femgeek: "Her nipples stood erect". Um. If my nipples suddenly developt an ability for erectoins, I' head over to the nearest hostital, yo!
femgeek: Ahahahaha!
fretless16: Um. "Her breast, unconfined by..." Please tell me the author meant to make that plural and missed the s key?
fretless16: ahaha!
femgeek: Oh! I hadn't even noticed that, disturbed as I was by the erection-nipples.
fretless16: <patpat> 's okay. You were distracted by the horror.
femgeek: *looks for spork* I don't need these eyes anymore.

And here's his reaction:
Bono lost all ability to speak.

fretless16: Dude. Bono, unable to speak? Never!
femgeek: Not only is she gorgeous (apart from the erection-nipllage), but she's able to do magic, too!
fretless16: Ahahahaha!
fretless16: <snicker> Image: Bono thrashing about on the ground, making desperate "Mmmmmggh! Mmgph, mmgph, mpfhg!" noises. Put this together with the "bono shut up" search...I think we've got some voodoo goin' on, here.
femgeek: Bwahahahaha!

Róisín's chant went on for no more than a minute. Near the end her voice rose as she lifted her arms and slowly came up, up on her toes to the point where Bono swore that she had actually left the stone. He refused to believe it though.

"Can't be," he thought to himself. "No. Ballet dancers can get on their toes like that." He glanced up at the moon, "It's bright out. That's it. It just looks like that, but it's the moon creating an optic..."

femgeek: *blink* These paragraphs have a point ... where?
fretless16: An optic...............................................
femgeek: Yeah, and then he hits his head on a stone. Apparently, this author's never learned that when a thought is cut short, one uses a dash and not an ellips.
femgeek: An optic ellips! That's it!
fretless16: Dude. Why must the Mary Sue's always have complicated unpronounceable names?
fretless16: bwaha!
fretless16: is that where you just think; you see loads of tiny dots?
femgeek: It's Ro-SHEEN, according to the A/N.
femgeek: Yes. It's because he's not able to speak. <g>
fretless16: I know, but by the time I got this far any coherent thought such as how to pronounce the autho--I mean, the character's name was eradicated from my brain.
fretless16: <g> poor Bono.

He had forgotten about finding his way home, the romantic dinner, the time, everything. All that mattered now was the vision in front of him. Bono wanted to resist, but couldn't. He was entranced and his mind shrouded.

fretless16: Jaysus.
femgeek: "The time"? WTF? He had forgotten about the time.
fretless16: He could just look at his wrist again. I'm sure it'll be glad to tell him.
femgeek: I suspect someone gave this poor thing a thesaurus and now she's trying to use as many big words as she can in one story.
fretless16: Oh no. Authors with Thesauruses. There should be a support group or something.
fretless16: Webster's Anonymous.
femgeek: Ahahahaha! "My name is Roísín, and I haven't touched a thesaurus in 14 days."
fretless16: "<supportive applause> <chorus of "Hello, Roísín">
femgeek: And if they don't join voluntarily, we'll DRAG them into it.

The siren called to Bono. He pushed off the stone a little shakily, but steadied himself and walked forward, a bit cautious. He stood in front of the alter. There was a pause that seemed like forever; they just looked at one another. Then she stood up and stepped toward him. She was so close, he had the sudden urge to reach out and touch her, but dared not. An inane thought ran though the back of his mind that if he touched her she would vanish. Róisín looked down at him invitingly, speaking to him with her eyes. He tentatively reached out to touch her calf...

femgeek: Siren? When did we suddenly get a siren?
fretless16: Is it a police siren?
femgeek: And an alter, too. Apparently, this chick has multiple personality disorder.
femgeek: I think it's maybe the Bad Spelling Siren.
fretless16: Yeah...
femgeek: touching her calf? Ewwww! Shouldn't there be a warning for bestiality?
fretless16: Ahaha!
femgeek: *sporks eyes out*
fretless16: And ooooo, her eyes are speaking. I'm envisioning, like, a scrolling marquee...
fretless16: <snicker>
femgeek: Ahahahha! Eyes with lips? Ew!
fretless16: eugh!

Róisín had started on his belt, but stepped back letting him finish while she undressed. She untied her lace and her dress was left loosely clinging to her shoulders. With a shrug her dress crumpled to the ground. They both stood naked with the night air caressing their bodies. In one graceful move Róisín pushed Bono down on to the alter, leaning her body over his.

fretless16: Bono: <thunk> "Oww...dammit, bitch, that hurt..."
femgeek: Actuall, I kinda like the imagery. I mean, keeping in mind "alter" is probably supposed to be "altar". Just picture Edge pushing Bono down on an altar and fucking him mercilessly.
fretless16: Um, okay, true. Guh.
femgeek: I think we should take this miage and set it free frmo this aweful story. Run free, little bunny! Run!
fretless16: Yesssss!
fretless16: <puts on list of bunnies to liberate>
femgeek: Indeed. Bunny Liberation Front!

Pulling her head back he kissed her on the lips, traveled to her earlobeand down her neck. She gasped as Bono ran his teeth along her flesh.

femgeek: TRAVELLED? Dude, again with the tiny!Bono.
fretless16: <snicker>
femgeek: I think this author has issues.

Blablabla Bono goes home to Ali, who's fallen asleep and thius (how convenient) can't kicks his puny Irish arse. The next morning, they make up, and then this:
The spirit of the morning carried through the rest of the day. Bono was in an excellent mood. After having done a few things he decided to go for another
walk; again through the forest.

fretless16: Dammit, Bono, didn't you learn your lesson last night? Walking in forest = kinky sex!
fretless16: Oh.
femgeek: Okay, so my inner grammar nerd (who looks remarkably like Larry) is crying out in PAIN! A semi-colon can only connect two independent clauses! If it can't stand on its own, you can't use a semi-colon!
femgeek: And yes, there's that, too. He just made up with his wife, felt guilty about what he'd done, and what does he do? Go right back to where the kinky sex happened! MORON!
fretless16: <sets clause on its feet> <watches it tip over> Nope, no semicolon necessary.
fretless16: Nah, he's not a moron, he's Bono.
femgeek: Indeed. Oh, it's supposed to have been a dream. *rolls eyes* yeah, that's original.
fretless16: eeugh, not another dream sequence!

Blarblarblar and then
He slowly walked up to the circle. As he stepped inside a shiver ran though his body. Bono ran his hand along the top of the fractured alter as he walked
around it. He laughed.

"It's impossible. It's just a coincid..."

:::crack:::

He'd stepped on something. He looked down. Suddenly he felt cold, despite the fact that the sun beat down. On the ground, broken in two, lie his missing
sunglasses.

The End

femgeek: Awww, she was doing so well staying in past tense, and then the last verb switches tenses.
fretless16: a shiver ran through his body? like a virus? did it have little legs?
fretless16: and ooh, a coincid...................................................
femgeek: Well, considering how tiny Bono is, it wouldn't have to run far.
fretless16: bwaha!
femgeek: "Crack", yeah, that pretty much sums the story up.
fretless16: <snicker>
femgeek: Thank god that's over. Last thoughts?
fretless16: Dude. That story could've been, like, decent. If it wasn't such a Mary Sue.
femgeek: Yeah! If it had Edge or Larry or Adam as nymphs. Or, y'know. Ali. She's sexy. Just. Someone else.
fretless16: Yeah.
femgeek: And if Bono took growth hormones to help that problem of his.
fretless16: And stopped hiding behind his sunglasses. Because, yeah.
femgeek: Don't really have anything else to add, except "Jaysus."

Comments

[darksong.livejournal.com]

That was probably one of the funniest things I've read in a while. Thanks.

Re:

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Thank you, thank you! We aim to serve. Or to alleviate out suffering with MSTs.