(no subject)

[bubosquared]

So yesterday evenig, my brother tried on my collar, and my mother said it made him look like a sissy boy.

...

Possbility one: She's always been like this, and somehow I managed to completely not notice it for twenty years and grown up without sex stereotyping and believing that heterosexuality is not the default, and I just recently came out of my own little world enough to notice that she's this ... prejudiced about a whole lot of stuff.

Possibility two: She really did used o be the open-minded woman I remember and only lately became this prejudiced.

I'm leaning towards two, because my brothers have the stereotype-less thing too, and it'd be too much of a coincidence. Which begs the question, why? Why'd she change? (And how do I make it stop?)

(Edit: I probably made that remark sound worse than it was. It wasn't said with malice, it was a throwaway thing. But that makes it worse somehow, becasue she doesn't even care. And my brother retorted he was in touch with his feminine side, and I calmly said that remarks like that were really nasty, and the subject was changed (as it always is. This is how my family works.) And while I'm proud of Sanne for sticking up for himself (he's thirteen! and he's less macho-centric than her!) an of myself for staying calm but still making my point, I want to know why we had to. He's a thirteen year old boy. I'm nearly 21 and barely have my shit together, but I know better than to say things like that, even if I was thinking them. I ... Shit!)

Comments

[jotun.livejournal.com]

I don't understand. So he put on your collar and she said it made him look a little sissy, but . . . so? Maybe she thought it made him look a little girly, big deal. Chances are, for her to make a remark like that, it probably did. I mean, if he had put on pink tights and a tutu, a couple Hello Kitty sweatbands, and topped it off with a shirt that said, "I Love Bunnies" tied off at the waist, then I don't care how manly the kid is, he's gonna look pretty damn effeminate, and pointing something like that out isn't exactly what I'd classify as prejudice. Extreme example or not, it doesn't sound like your mom said anything more prejudice than me thinking a guy on a Harley looks masculine.

I don't know what else she may have said recently, but I seriously don't know why this particular comment sparked the reaction out of you that it has.

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Because "sissy" is not a neutral word -- and what she actually said was even more definitely negative, but it's not eas to translate these things. She was v. clearly sying he not only looked like a girl, but also that that's a bad thing. That's why i'm upset, because Sanne's a great kid and he'll be catching enough flack for being non-macho (because really, he's hardly femmy) in the outside world. He should be getting support from his family.

[girlinthecorner.livejournal.com]

My mom says things like that. But she says them A LOT. And little comments like that do tend to set me on edge, so I know what you're talking about.

Can I marry your brother? He's only a year younger than me, and he seems unbelievably awesome :p

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Gender stereoypes and idntity and the likes are a kinda touchy subject for me, and this was ... Bah. Not to mention the whole "Was she always like this?" part.

Heeee. He is awesome. And cute, too.

[girlinthecorner.livejournal.com]

Is he in drag in the second one? Awww. He's adorable. I say you buy him a collar of his own, and a pretty dress ^_^

Re:

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Yes;, he was. That was carnaval (sorta like Halloween) two years ago. He just randomly decided he wanted to dress in drag. I helped. ^_^

[girlinthecorner.livejournal.com]

Doesn't he have an LJ? Or is that someone else's brother?

Re:

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Yep, that's him, but he doesn't really update anymore. :(

Ah, parents

[coneyislandbaby]

I think in part it might be a generational thing. There are some things my mum says that just sound wrong, but I know they're from her generation and they're not even prejudice, just acceptable.

But I know what it's like to react so strongly to something like that. It's not easy, but at least we can vent.

*hug*

Re: Ah, parents

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

I know it probably is, but. I can't help but feel like this is new, you nkow? Because I've never seen this attitude in hre before the past year, year and a half. :/ (Which would be when I came out. Huh.)

Re: Ah, parents

[coneyislandbaby]

Well...I don't know your mum, and you can tell me that I'm completely wrong, and she might not even realise this...but is it possible that she's afraid on some level that your brother might be gay too?

I just get that feeling when you say it's new, but like I said, I don't know your mum. Still...

Re: Ah, parents

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

That's actually occured to me, too. (Because I've always been a tomboy and I don't know, maybe she's thinking I'm gay because she always allowed me to be like that? It just so doesn't sound like her!)

Re: Ah, parents

[coneyislandbaby]

Well, there are times that things we'd normally stop before we said them come out, too. Maybe that's what happened. It could be why it sounded so unlike her.

Besides, what's wrong with a guy looking femme? It's very attractive. Though that's prolly not the best POV to use with your mum.

Re: Ah, parents

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's what I think, and hell, it's what he thinks! The worst thing is, I suspect part of it may be that she thought it's make him not want to wear the thing (trust me, she has a history of manipulation like that), which would mean she knows him even less than she ever (didn't) know me. Which is scary.

And these things have to be there to begin with before they can "slip out" is the thing. I dunno, i just can't picture myself being angry enough to use that kind of words, ever at all, and she wasn't even angry. She wasn't anything.

And I really ought to just suck it up and talk to her, but that did me a fat lot of good last time I tried it. :/

[ex-dragones.livejournal.com]

So maybe it really did make him look like a sissy. I know a lot of guys who just can't wear collars and things because it makes them look kind of girly. Plus the fact that it was on you to begin with didn't help, because the image of a girl wearing it was already in your mom's mind.

I agree with Matt.

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

See my response to Matt. It's the negative connotaions I was responding to.

I understand....

[almightychrissy.livejournal.com]

I really do. My dad is sort of the same way....it's like, I love him but sometimes I want to tell him to wake up and stop being an idiot.

And it hurts when your parents make remarks like that, even if they don't really mean it the way they're saying it. Your brother is very awesome for sticking up for himself- if I would have been ina similar situation at 13, I would have buried myself in my room for the next year or so.

Re: I understand....

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Thank you. And yes, I'm really proud of him for that. (especially as he has mom and mine temper, and controlled it. he's lerning even faster than I did. Mom's 43 and still lashes out. Sigh.)