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At last, here it is, my recap of ...
Serenity: The Movie
Opening scene: blah blah blah Earth-That-Was-cakes. You know, I missed this intro bit in the show because they don't constantly repeat it every episode, but I can imagine it getting on one's nerves after a while. Interesting factlet, though: "We found a new solar system," implying that the firefly 'verse is a single solar system, all those planets? Was that in the series as well? Hm, interesting.
Yay baby!River! Sadly, they didn't keep the baby!River actress from the show, she looked much more like actual!River. Anyway, baby!River displays insight and left-leaning tendencies, aaaand flash-forward!
Simon! In a really hot uniform! With studded shoulder pieces, for some inexplicable reason. Kinda hot, though. (What? I'm shallow, I admit it.) He's also surprisingly competent, which is what really bothered me about the contradictions between the series and the movie. The contradictions in Simon's story about how he got River out can be glossed over, and even the fact that in the series, he refused to believe River was psychic, whereas here he knows, I could fudge. But here he is, being all competent and ass-kicking, when in Jaynestown, for example, he's a bumbling fool when asked to play a role that should come easy to him. Though I suppose one could explain that away by saying he simply wasn't prepared in Jaynestown, and in Ariel, he doesn't do too bad against the Feds, with Jayne's help.
Anyway, cue the Operative, blah blah blah plotcakes. Secrets! "Well, unfortunately, I forgot to bring a sword." [Operative takes out sword] Does it make me a bad person that I always giggle at that a little? The look on the scientist's face is just. "Aaaand of course you have one."
Waaaash! First scene and he's already making me laugh, and yet watching it again ... Waaaash! *sob*
"Yeah, well, what you plan and what takes place ain't ever exactly been similar." Duh face. Hee hee. Oh, Jayne, I love you. "No grenades." "Awww!" LOVE! Come on, Mal, how can you be so cruel, it's like taking candy from a baby! Let Jayne have his grenades already, you big meanie.
Ooooh, it's USTing time! Simon is Not Amused, and tries to intimidate Mal. Oh, sweetie, haven't you learned your lesson by now? You just aren't that scary, simple as that. Should've made Jayne do it, really.
"It's okay to leave them to die," and ... you know, this kind of bothers me. I mean, in the context of just the movie, okay, but in the show, by Objects In Space, he seems to feel at least somewhat at home on Serenity, and he seems to get along fine with Zoe, at least, and even if he's pissed off at Mal and doesn't get along much with Jayne in general, it seems ... kinda off, I guess? "Make sure you're safe, the others can take care of themselves," sure, wouldn't've had a problem with that, but "It's okay to leave them to die," it just seems ... crude, I guess? And I'm putting way too much thought into a throwaway line, aren't I?
"Shiny. Let's be bad guys." Mmmm, so sexy There's an icon around that's an animated gif of that bit, and every time I see it, I get distracted. Mmm. Jayne. (LESBIAN!)
They rob the bank, and River does her thing while a bloke with a tea cosy on his head lies around on the floor. I love the little looks between River and Zoe. Heee. Bless 'em.
They open the vault, Jayne shoots down the hatch, and that's all the password the guard needs. Not much of a guard, is he? I mean, if all one needs to intimidate him is a gun, and all.
River sees the Reavers coming, and Jayne rushes to her side all concerned. Nawwwwww! So sweet! Oh, shut up, I'm allowed my little moment of delusion, dammit. And he's really freaked about the Reavers--there's a story there, I'm convinced there is.
"Boy, sure would be nice if we had some grenades, wouldn't it?" Oh, Jayne, I love you and your one-track mind. Biiiig exciting chase scene, and all I can think of is how Jayne needs a haircut. I need to get back in touch with my inner twelve-year old, I think. Simon gets to actually be useful by closing the hatch, though!
And then we get to the other scene that kinda bothers me about the movie: Mal pretty much throwing the Tams off the ship. I mean, yes, it's consistent with the series that he loves his crew, but he won't take backchat, but considering the things he's put up with from Jayne, you'd think he'd be a bit more understanding about Simon's outburst. Maybe it was just bad timing, but. Meh. It doesn't help that this is, like, the extreme version of something that's been getting on my nerves from Mal in the series as well, his tendency to think he knows what's best for everyone and act on it, no matter what they themselves do or say. Especially with Simon, he seems to have a tendency to treat him as a little boy that needs guidance. (And this is why I can't see Mal/Simon, really.) See also: Mal still not having told Simon what Jayne did on Ariel. As far as Mal is aware, Simon still doesn't know that, and as much as I love Jayne, the fact is that if you look at it purely from Mal's POV, he ... apparently didn't think it was necesary to tell Simon that the guy he was hero-worshipping all over (typ:whoreshipping--that too!) had betrayed him and River to the feds in the first place. Not to mention that if he hadn't refused to acknowledge that River was (is) dangerous, Jayne wouldn't have felt like he was the only one seeing that, which I still believe played some part at least in his betraying the Tams. Which, okay, that's me fanwanking away, there, but still. Mal? Not really all that good with people, and I think he just doesn't quite get that this isn't the war anymore, and he can't just order people around and expect them to take his orders just cause he says so, not all the time, anyway.
Er, right, got sidetracked there for a bit. Where was I? Right, movie. Jayne has his little monologue on the Reavers, and still needs a haircut. Yes, shut up, I'm obsessing, it's bothering me, okay? And Kaylee has a point about Mal driving them all off, one by one, but I won't belabour it. Um. Not again, anyway.
Hey, moving picture! I mean, I,M assuming it's a moving picture and not just Mal projecting his memory, right? Because I just had a moment of glee as my Hogwarts In Space bunny gains momentum. Bweeeee!
Simon continues to be incompetent at dealing with girls, and River doesn't think it's safe for the crew if they stay. Woe!
Hee hee hee "I could stand to know a little more." Jayne is so totally my soulmate, man. "Tell that to Inara," and aw, man, Kaylee really hits it with that one. And what is that shirt Jayne is wearing? Did he steal get that from an army surplus store? It has patches and bars and stuff on it.
Aaand River flips out at the commercial and then proceeds to take Jayne down. Hee hee. Okay, I mock, but the fact that he doesn't just knock her out makes me awwww. Yes, I'm easy. Shaddup.
Blah blah blah plotcakes, Mal yells at Simon because "You brought her on my ship, knowing full well she could go monkeyshit at the wrong word, and you never said a thing," and dude, Mal, you can't just expect loyalty from others just like that, okay? Not just out of gratitude for putting them up. Doesn't work that way. And anyway, as much as I wanna smack Jayne for his "And I thought they was getting off," (... hee!) he does have a point. First he pretty much chases them off the ship with his "My way or the highway" attitude, then they're back on, and mate, if it bothered you that much that Simon didn't tell you about the flipping potential, you could've just left them there.
This whole episode just annoyed the fuck out of me, I admit, because Mal gets on my nerves, it doesn't make all that much sense when taken in the context of the series, and it just seems so pointless. That whole plot device could've been left out, as well, because there's no really compelling reason why the Tams couldn't have been in that bar without the whole being-thrown-off-Serenity thing, so why?
*deep breath* Okay, I'm done. Mostly.
Ah, Wash, the voice of reason. Thank you for saving my sanity. "You guys always bring me the best goodies." That "always" kinda intrigues me. Like Jayne and the Reavers, there's a story there, which I'd love to hear more about. And then I get distracted by the Tams getting their Crazy Space Incest on. As they do.
Our Big Damn Heroes go to Haven, where they all know people, and even Jayne has people he gets along with, somehow. He also plays the guitar for no apparent reason, and um. Hands. Guh. Plot? What plot?
Hee, half-naked Mal with bedhead. Okay, I like him a little again. I love everyone in the cockpit watching him and inara like they're a soap opera. Jayne even brought crisps! And I love how even Jayne looks like he thinks Mal is an idiot with his "Um, Kaylee,s been missing you somethin' fierce," and when even Jayne thinks you're stupid, you're really stupid.
Mal dresses up as a woman, again, and you know, people are gonna start talking if he keeps doing that. There's plot stuff in this scene, but I'm once again distracted by Inara's cleavage. What? Shallow!
Fight, fight, fight! Mal, you idiot, he's wearing full body armour, going for the body isn't going to do anything! And Inara saves the day.
Simon, why are you wearing pajamas? And Jayne homes in on every button of Mal's he can, and pushes them. Hard. Not that stupid, that one, really. I suppose he wouldn't have survived long in his line of work without knowing how to read people and know how to play them if necessary.
(Yes, I'm pointedly ignoring the Mal/Inara stuff. Again. I just ate, okay?)
Cue another contested scene, in which Jayne, goes after River. I'm going with the general fan theory that she got into his head and made him do it, and not just because I refuse to believe Jayne would do that, but because, well, see above. He's just not that stupid. Yeah, he betrayed the Tams before, but now there's no money involved, and he'd know there's no way he can do this without everyone on the crew knowing he did, and that just seems out of character for me. So, we're going with the River Made Him Do It theory over here at Chez Melle. *firm nod*
More action stuff, and we find out what Miranda is. And Jayne still needs a haircut. Dammit! And awww, he looks so scared at the mere mention of Reavers. Woobie! (I seem to remember saying I'd stop doing that. Um. "Oops"?)
Massacre at Haven, and um. I'm going to ignore the Mal/Book moment-ette I just had, because wow, with the wrong. And hey, I finally get a reference shot for Jayne and Simon's relative heights, and either adam Baldwin is really tall, or Sean Maher is really short, or, most likely, both.
Yet more plot, and Mal, again, gets his annoying self-righteousness on. "Make this suicide run with me or stay stranded here on Haven with the dead." That's a choice? Ass.
Jayne hugging his gun (is that Vera?) like a security blanket as they go through Reaver space is awfully cute. Awww. He is such a woobie. (Sorry?) And the dead city on Miranda is incredibly creepy and reminds me of world in The Stand. At least Simon is wearing something that looks decent on him, instead of that weird pajama-looking shirt.
So here's what I'm wondering about the Reavers: surely in a few years they'll be gone? I mean, with the exception of people that that bloke from Bushwhacked, and there can't be a lot of those, it's not like they can replenish their numbers, and I'd think that with their agression, there'd be a lot of infighting and killing their own going on, and it's not like they can breed new Reavers, right? I mean, all the Reavers I,ve seen so far were male, or at least so it's heavily implied, so unless they have female Reavers in a breeding facility somewhere, which I don't think they have the brains to do, they'll be gone in a couple of years, maybe a decade, as they all get too old to survive these runs. Hm. *ponder*
Mal gets his monologue on, Jayne pipes in, and I pay no attention to anything anyone's saying because Jayne and Simon are sharing a drink in the background. What? Look, it's not like I have an over-abundance of OTP moments in this movie, okay? I have to make do with what I have.
More action sequence, and Jayne, rather than strapping his own damn self in, goes around checking if everyone else is strapped in, bless him. And then there's, um, That Thing That Didn't Happen, and Waaaaash! Sobbeth. I'm ... going to be over in that corner over there for a while, wibbling.
Okay, um. I,m back. "Let's pull these crates back there for cover. Make sure they ain't filled with nothin' that goes boom." Jayne so totally speaks my language, hee hee. And he looks so scared when he says "Well, I might," like he's trying to convince himself, and awwwwww! WOOBIE GODDAMMIT!
Okay, so the sexbot and the talking for Mr Universe? So much with thr freaking me out. Whoa. O_O
Blah blah Simon/Kaylee moment and they're both WAY TOO GAY for this! Simon is kinda hot when he's being all competent with the shooting, though. And see, this is one disrepancy between movie and series I can buy, because there's enough time between Objects In Space and the movie that it's not unlikely someone trained him at least a little. Plus, that whole mortal danger thing, which does weird things to people. I mean, Jayne actually goes out and risks getting caught by the Reavers to get Zoe back behind the barricade.
You know, it's a good thing I got spoiled on the deaths beforehand, or I'd have been convinced Simon was going to die as well, and that would've resulted in much shouting at the screen, and my neighbours hate me enough already. As it is, I was afraid I'd missed a spoiler and he was gonna die anyway.
"You suppose he got through? You think Mal got the word out?" And awww, Jayne. Deep down inside, he's really a good guy. Sort of. at the very least, he's a guy who, if he,s gonna die, wants to die for a good reason, which is more interesting to me than a classical hero, anyway.
Speaking of heroes, Mal does his thing, and River does hers, and the Reavers get their arses kicked roundly, and how the hell did that door open like that when River was supposed to've broken it so it wouldn't open again? The Cavalry arrives late as usual.
The burial makes me cry so hard I almost didn't notice at first that jayne is wearing an actual suit jacket. Where the hell did that come from? o_O
(Lalala, ignoring the Simon/Kaylee sex. Though River peeking in is kinda amusing, hee. Crazy Space Incest strikes again! And more Mal/Inara stuff, which I'm equally ignoring.)
And that's the end of it. You know, I can totally see where the Mal/River people are coming from, now. (River/Jayne still kinda mystifies me, though.) Sigh.
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