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And now, an episode-by-episode random commentary of Firefly. Part one: However many episodes I can watch today.
Quotes in italics and blockquote are from TWoP's recaps.
Serenity
Is it me, or do those browncoats of them look mighty impractical? They're all long, and I would totally get those tails caught in stuff and on stuff all the time. Then again, I would do that with anything, xcept possibly skintight spandex. Possibly.
Side note: the subtitles on the DVD suck to the high heavens. Mal is constantly identified as "Malcolm" despite the fact that no one ever calls him that, and Wash's line is transcribed as "Mine is an evil lair," which doesn't even make any sense out of context. Feh.
Second side note: I love the music in this series. I know the TWoP recapper disliked the music and the whole western theme, but I like it. Sure beats the pseudo-classical instrumental crap that plays over most TV shows.
"Don't forget to call him 'Sir', he likes that." Hee. Kinky! *pets Wash*
Wash is also kinda cute with Inara. "We kinda missed you out here." Naw!
Okay, as amusing as that line was, "I never married" is not necessarily a logical way of implying you've never spawned and are therefore not a grandfather. I'm just sayin', Book.
Ah, Badger. Sounds like Johnny Rotten, looks like the love child of George Clooney and Jude Law. (I'll pause here for a moment while you all process that mental image, shall I?)
Hee, Kaylee's so cute when she has to talk money to Book. Naw. And speaking of cute, Jayne is adorable when he talks maths. (What? What?)
Okay, I only just noticed this, but how come the first thing Jayne does when he sees Simon is to take off his jacket? I mean, it's not like he's going to help load cargo or anything. So he's just ... showing off his arms? Heh.
[Book] hold[s] a silent grace. Even Jayne participates.
Heee! I just love that. He's so cute! And then immediately ruins the cute by getting incredibly crass, but we'll ignore that for a moment.
Aaaaaand Mal punches Simon. Again, kinky. And Mal's confused "... What?" when the Fed bloke arrests Simon is priceless. Also, manhandling Simon, mmmmmm.
Oh, god, the image of Jayne nerously peering through the window while Simon operates on Kaylee is going to kill me dead. WOOBIE!
Aaaand Mal goes to check out the cargo, and Jayne gets some Simon-manhalding in, himself. Like you do. Simon, of course, immediately afterwards ruins the homoerotic triangle (OF DOOM!) by getting his Crazy Space Incest on. Boooo!
"I have to think there are ways beyond that now, sir." Oooh, kinky, Wash! Sure seems to get Mal worked up, because he proceeds to call Simon "boy" and then punch him. Again. (Mmmm.) Also, Jayne is wearing a pouchful belt that would give Rob Liefeld apoplexies of glee. Except he somehow makes it look sexy rather than ridiculous. Damn you, Adam Baldwin! Damn you and your belt-pouches and your big knives and your ... arms and ... GAH!
"Does helping you out mean turning on the Captain." Oh, Jayne, I'm pretty sure you're already turning the Captain on. (Hm? What? Not what he meant? ... Oh.)
Awwww, Mal and Kaylee are so cute. And Kaylee is a BIG DYKE! Honestly, this whole Kaylee/Simon thing is ridiculous because both of them are as queer as the day is long, to the point where it's driving me into random digressions like this.
Also, *throws things at Inara* *and Mal *and Mal&Inara* God, I like them both, but together, they get on my tits like whoa. Idiots! Both of them!
I'm having a hard time focussing on any scene with Jayne in it right now, because I keep getting distracted by his gloves for some reason. (Also, by Zoe's bodice thing. Leather. Guh.)
Heee, Jayne testing the transmitter. I love him when he's being a big doofus. *pets his empty head* Oooh, is he wearing a tigh holster, there? Why yes, he is! *distracted again*
Nawwww, Simon and Wash are bonding. And Simon starts a pattern by suddenly getting all butch and grr and macho and bodily hurling himself at the Fed bloke who has River. And then manhandles him for a while, presumably to prove that he's just as much of a man as Jayne and Mal, dammit. So why won't they notice hiiiiim? Aw.
Third side note: Why don't they have more shots of them actually riding horses in this series? Isn't this supposed to be a space western? I want more shots of Jayne on horseback! *gets distracted by mental images*
"Look where I'm pointing!" Heee. Oh, Jayne. Stop trying to think and just do what Kaylee says, sweetie. And then Wash, who doesn't want to be left out now that even Simon got to be all butch, gets his own macho on. Unlike Simon, he actually does get laid for his trouble. Go Wash!
"That'll be an interesting day." You know, first time I saw this, it made me all "Nawwww." Now it just hurts. Wibble. Have to concentrate on Simon coming in for his own dose of UST with Mal--did they install a numbered ticket system or something? Maybe work out a rotation or a schedule? And again Mal makes with the "son," but there's not punching this time. Dang.
The Train Job
Aaand we open with Our Intrepid Heroes starting a bar brawl, which makes me go "Wheee!" because, as the TWoP recapper noted, it actually looks like a brawl, with sand-throwing and shin-kicking and cheating, and then Wash gets to come and save the day with a Grand Entrance. Basically, a good day all around.
[Simon] looks like a blackjack dealer at the universe's first gay casino.
Hee hee. It's funny cause it's true. Simon also gets his recommended daily dose of UST with Mal, being all doctorly and speaking softly about why he's there, and then Mal tells Book that Simon's "his hero," causing me to have Ferris Bueller flashbacks and dissolve into giggles.
Inara and Kaylee get their girly on, talk about Inara's job, and get interrupted by Mal getting all manly and impulsive, and also jealous and UST-y. Guess it's Inara's turn on the UST rotation schedule, huh?
Blah blah blah Niska reputationcakes. This is a weak episode, probably because they had to cram in all the exposition from the pilot into this "new" pilot, and this entire scene goes by me as I stare at Jayne glowering in the background. Jayne Cobb: For All Your Intinidation Needs!
Simon Tam: Not So Much. Hee. Oh, sweetie, I know you want to impress the big, bad merc, but when River's not being threatened you're just not that butch. And Jayne already thinks you're "rich and fancible," anyway.
I find it amusing that Zoe is just as snarky as the rest of the crew, but she always calls Mal "Sir." She's Marcie to Mal's Peppermint Patty.
Hee hee. Yep, Mal is totally a lesbian. (Oooh, Wash arms!) And um. Simon. On his knees. "Tending" to Jayne. And then getting smacked around some. Gah. Guh.
"Right. Sir. Honey." Hee hee. See, this is why Mal and Zoe would never ever work out. I can't see her ever actually relaxing around Mal the way she does around Wash.
"Know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'm going to beat you with until you realise who's in command." Why Jayne, that was almost poetic! And then he faceplants. Hee. Wash is torn between gratitude and "Dude, you doped him! He's gonna be so pissed off when he wakes up."
I love the scene with Crow getting sucked into the engine and replacement!goon being all "No, I got it, I'm good, I'll tell Niska what you said, put in a good word for you." Heee!
Mal compliments Simon's ingenuity in doping up Jayne, but warns him that he hasn't exactly made a friend for life. Simon says he'll "deal with [Jayne]." I wonder what that will involve, and find my mind wandering far, far off into slashfic land.
Heeeee! I know the feeling, dear TWoP recapper.
Bushwhacked
I am so totally in love with them all playing ... whatever that game is. Wash is wearing pyjama bottoms! And the way Jayne sort of glowers up at Simon when Kaylee asks him to come and join in. Guh. "Yeah, doc, come play for our side." Mmmm, Jayne/Simon/Kaylee ...
Jayne has a theory, but it doesn't involve bunnies.
Heee! Oh, god, the mental images are taking over. Ow ow ow, my head! And Simon gets his USTing time in with Mal, staring at him while Mal gets into his space suit:
[Simon]'s certainly going to be giving the cast of Smallville a run for their money in the gay looks competition.
Jayne pulls an evil, evil prank and hurts poor Simon's feelings, the big meanie. He so has a case of pigtails-in-the-inkwellitis. Naw. Kaylee makes Simon go weak at the knees, but not in the way she wants to. I'm very amused at that scene. Hee.
They find out what killed the people on the other ship, and Mal calls Simon "son" again. I bet Simon deliberately acts out sometimes just so Mal does that. And is it me, or does Simon's little red First Aid kit look like a make-up case?
"Jayne, you'll scare the women." Heee! And then Simonm volunteers, which of course means Jayne, despite earlier declarations that there's no ruttin' way he's going over there again, has to go as well. Can't look weak in front of the prettyboy, now can we? Simon, by the way, ends up doing nothing more than holding a flashlight for Book, so:
I guess [Simon] just wanted to prove he can be a little butch for the right guy.
The interrogation scenes are somehow utterly hilarious, with Wash bragging about his woman and Jayne just sitting there glaring, and Kaylee ranting about Alliance ships. Naw.
Aaaan blah blah blah Reavercakes. Somewhat less interesting the second time around, this part of the episode.
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Hee!
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Notice: In The Train Job, after Jayne passes out, Wash puts his foot on Jayne's chest! Bwah!
And then, when they're playing their version of space basketball, Wash yells to Jayne, "over here!" and Jayne goes, "little man!" and passes him the ball. LITTLE MAN. Gah.
I don't even have slashy thoughts about those two, but their dynamic is just... <333
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Also, manhandling Simon, mmmmmm.
Ha! Yes, mmm. Also, it seems to be a running theme, one I have absolutely no problem with.
Damn you, Adam Baldwin! Damn you and your belt-pouches and your big knives and your ... arms and ... GAH!
Bwahahaha. *mocks the stealing of your gay*
And Kaylee is a BIG DYKE! Honestly, this whole Kaylee/Simon thing is ridiculous because both of them are as queer as the day is long, to the point where it's driving me into random digressions like this.
GOD. I know. It's just. *makes strangle-y motions at Joss*
Inara and Kaylee get their girly on, talk about Inara's job, and get interrupted by Mal getting all manly and impulsive, and also jealous and UST-y. Guess it's Inara's turn on the UST rotation schedule, huh?
She pulled double-duty! Or does the scene with Kaylee not count, 'cause I'm pretty sure that particular sexual tension is fully resolved.
(Oooh, Wash arms!)
Dude, seriously. Piloting is hot. There should be more rampent Wash lust.
Why Jayne, that was almost poetic! And then he faceplants. Hee.
Hee. I love that scenen. Simon's all 'was that okay?' and everyone else is just 'no, fine! Really, thanks. We were just going to hit him with a wrench or something.'
And the way Jayne sort of glowers up at Simon when Kaylee asks him to come and join in. Guh. "Yeah, doc, come play for our side."
'So's I can see you get all mussed and sweaty'. Hee. Yes. Actually, I have the feeling the game would have turned into something more like dodgeball, had Simon joined in.
The interrogation scenes are somehow utterly hilarious, with Wash bragging about his woman and Jayne just sitting there glaring, and Kaylee ranting about Alliance ships. Naw.
Hee. Wash's cut scenes for that bit fucking slay me. "There's no place on that woman I wouldn't put my tongue" indeed.
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It should be the subtitle of the whole damned series. Or maybe a special clips episode or something. Simon Gets Manhandled. Yes.
Bwahahaha. *mocks the stealing of your gay*
BELT POUCHES! LIEFELD! *FLAIL*
She pulled double-duty! Or does the scene with Kaylee not count, 'cause I'm pretty sure that particular sexual tension is fully resolved.
That's so totally Utterly Resolved Sexual Tension, man. Mmmm. Girlsex.
Dude, seriously. Piloting is hot. There should be more rampent Wash lust.
Wash, Wash, he's our man, if he can't do it, no one can! *cheers* Wash is a big damn hero, I tell you what. With very hot arms. He needs to wear sleeveless shirts more often.
Hee. I love that scenen. Simon's all 'was that okay?' and everyone else is just 'no, fine! Really, thanks. We were just going to hit him with a wrench or something.'
Hee hee. And apparently Wash gets all "I AM THE MIGHTY HUNTER! I CONQUERED THE WILD JAYNEBEAST!" with his foot on Jayne's chest. Bwahahaha!
'So's I can see you get all mussed and sweaty'. Hee. Yes. Actually, I have the feeling the game would have turned into something more like dodgeball, had Simon joined in.
Mmmmyes, with lots of tackling and touching and guh.
Hee. Wash's cut scenes for that bit fucking slay me. "There's no place on that woman I wouldn't put my tongue" indeed.
He's so in love. I love him. And Zoe. LOVE!
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Bwah. Yes. This makes me wish I knew how to vid. Because that would be awesome.
BELT POUCHES! LIEFELD! *FLAIL*
*petpet* There there.
Wash, Wash, he's our man, if he can't do it, no one can! *cheers* Wash is a big damn hero, I tell you what. With very hot arms. He needs to wear sleeveless shirts more often.
*joins in the cheering* Yay Wash! He can be the hero of my crappy town any day.
as long as he brings his wife:D Also, he should wear more pajama bottoms, 'cause awww.And apparently Wash gets all "I AM THE MIGHTY HUNTER! I CONQUERED THE WILD JAYNEBEAST!" with his foot on Jayne's chest. Bwahahaha!
I have not seen that! Must rewatch. (heh 'conquering' he he he 'jaynebeast' hehehehe)
He's so in love. I love him. And Zoe. LOVE!
Yes. He owned me at the little toy dinosaurs. :D
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So speaking of FF and vids, I was told this weekend, and I'm pretty sure this was before I started drinking, that there exists a FF vid set to *NSync's Space Cowboy. My immidiate reaction: "IT MUST BE MINE!" I mean. DUDE!
I have not seen that! Must rewatch. (heh 'conquering' he he he 'jaynebeast' hehehehe)
Bad Amy! No Jayne/Wash! No! Agh, wrooooong ...
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There is! And it's awesome and hillarious!
Bad Amy! No Jayne/Wash! No! Agh, wrooooong ...
But but but! It would be hot! And Wash could be all "that's not what you said last night" when Jayne calls him 'little man'. (because we all know Jayne's a big ol' bottom)
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Oooh, will do that ASAP!
But but but! It would be hot! And Wash could be all "that's not what you said last night" when Jayne calls him 'little man'. (because we all know Jayne's a big ol' bottom)
ZOE WILL KILL JAYNE IF HE TRIES ANYTHING! *flailityflail*
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*ducks flailing* But Zoe didn't like him at first! The timeline is squishy and maleable, it could work!
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That was the best scene in that episode. Indeed, it may have been the best scene in any of the episodes I watched. *happy sigh* Unfortunately when I watched it I was all "Wait a minute, you people trying to solve this mysterious problem of how the drugs just vanished from the train? Isn't ANYONE going to say 'Perhaps - it's just a wild guess - it's got something to do with that spaceship that was hovering RIGHT OVER the train for quarter of an hour or so?'" And no one did. And I was, "You cannot have an entire train full of people NOT NOTICE A SPACESHIP."
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