This is me

[bubosquared]

I'm a passive bitch who will rather lose friends than instignate a confrontation. I do not do that empathy thing, I can't, I'm too fucked-up myself and I've just not been around other people enough, people I was close to, to be able to understand other people and their feelings. I'm so fucking scared of hurting people's feelings I'll shut up and suck up and end up hurting them by doing that and fuck fuck fuck, fuckyou!

I'm not anybody's friend. Let alone best friend. I'm too cowardish for that; friendship makes you vulnerable and I'll rather be alone than hurt.

Actual entry about this might follow. For now, this needed out so I can go do other things. I'll prolly regret everything I just said, but it needed out. Don't take it too personal or serious. This is a very hurt, angry and wanting to scream me speaking.

Comments

It's about time.

[rsadelle]

I spend a lot of time, mainly with my friends from home, trying to get people to react to me. I'll say things that are true, but that I'm saying or writing out loud to shock them, to get them to step back and go, "What did she just say?" I'm a manipulative bitch; I understand that. I deliberately picked a fight, made you hurt and angry on purpose. It's taken a while, but this is the reaction I wanted in the first place. I wanted you to be angry and react to me. Not something you thought about for days, not something you carefully worded to be just vague enough that anyone not on the inside wouldn't know, but a real gut reaction.

Think about this: If you can't be up front and honest about your feelings, at least some of the time, you can't be a true friend in the first place. You said something like that to me before, and you can't lose what you don't have. I'm not just a surface friend, someone you see every day and only ever say hello to. I know you pretty well, well enough to know which buttons to push. I already know everything you wrote in your serious entry. Obviously you can tell people the truth about yourself, and let people know you. Don't be so afraid to share the negative as well as the positive. That's part of what you said, too.

I hope this ranting/venting/swearing made you feel better, because I certainly feel a whole hell of a lot better.