(no subject)

[bubosquared]

I need some advice. I'm especially lookin at reggie_mbq here, but anyone with a cent or two to spare, feel free to comment.

I live in a two-flat building; moved in early last August. My neighbours are your average young couple, with a kid that was just born as I moved in.

Somewhere late September, October, I started to realise maybe things weren't quite that okay. They were loud, and I could frequently hear arguments and other assorted noise. I started to suspect there might be violence. Early December, I ran into her in the hallway. She looked like shit. Pale, frightened look on her face. She asked me if I could please call the cops if things got to bad, because "He doesn't know what he's doing when he's drunk."

Le sigh.

I'm afraid to call the cops. Firstly, because I have no idea what consitutes "too bad". Secondly, because "he doesn't know what he's doing when he's drunk" doesn't sound like she's going to press charges, and if she doesn't, he'll be back here the next morning, and the next time he gets drunk, he may very well decide to come after me. (We don't really get along as it is.)

I feel like shit for being such a coward, let me tell you. But at the same time I'm thinking, she hsa to realise herself what he's doing, because otherwise all the help in the world isn't gonna do any good. (I don't know her well enough to try and talk some sense into her.)

My problem is the kid. She's six months old. She should. not. be. in this situation. (And I know, I know what she's thinking, that he'll never hit the kid, not realising that seeing their parent abused will likely scar a child for life. I know, that's what makes it even worse. I know what she's thinking, I just don't know how to make hre see otherwise!)

So yeah, there's my dilemma. What can I do? What should I do? Keeping in mind that I don't want him to find out I'm doing anything, because in the end, my self-preservation instinct is still stronger than my desire to help. :/ Help? Advice? Anyone?

Comments

[gal-montag.livejournal.com]

I know what she's thinking, I just don't know how to make hre see otherwise!

You won't. She has to see it for herself. And I know that it's hard to watch, but you can tell her that she's in a bad situation but she'll deny it untill something happens that makes her see that it's true and leave on her own. (Unfortunately that may be too late.)

And as far as calling the cops, there's really no point unless she's going to press charges. Call under other pretenses, like if they're too loud or something then maybe there's a better chance something will change. (And he'll have no reason to come after you.)

*sigh* And the baby. Is there some kind of social services organization you can call anonomously? At least get them investigated or something? Maybe they can get her some help out, or the prospect of losing her child will be enough to convince her (or better yet him) that things need to change.

[jodawi.livejournal.com]

Look in the phone book for your local domestic violence hotline / women's shelter / etc and ask them for advice, and give that info to the person and have her call them.

[darksong.livejournal.com]

I'd call your local police on some non-emergency number and find someone to talk to about this issue--what you can do, what they can do, and if your identity will be protected. I think you can make anonymous reports and no one will know it's you.

I'm not sure how the laws work where you are, but if she doesn't press charges if you call the police, then there's not much more you can do.

But I admire you for wanting to do something about this. That takes a lot of strength. A lot of people would rather just ignore it.

[lucylooo.livejournal.com]

If you're really worried about the safety of the child (neglect might also be a concern), and there's some sort of Child Protective Services-type organization there, call them. How it works here is that they'll do a home-visit sort of thing to assess the situation, and then keep tabs for a specific length of time to make sure that the child isn't being hurt or neglected.

Otherwise, if you _hear_ what sounds like a particularly violent argument, I'd call the cops anyway (and do so anonymously, if you can). I mean, if she doesn't press charges, that's her decision. On the other hand, you don't know when he might snap and kill her - obviously, it's something that she's concerned about, since she's already mentioned having you as part of her safety plan.

Information is power. If you can get information on domestic violence organizations in your area, give them to her. The stats aren't good - if she hasn't left him yet, chances are if she does, she'll go back. But, you know, letting her know that she has other options and choices is always good thing.

And, above all, take care of yourself. Most men who beat their wives never get physically violent with anyone else, because that's more dangerous - a stranger is much more likely to press charges than a spouse, and abusers know that - but, if you think you might be putting yourself in danger, than your safety needs to be paramount. Unfortunately, none of us can 'fix' anyone else's life; you can try to help, sure, and maybe she'll even accept that help, but it's got to be _her_ choice to take the steps to get away, and if she can't or won't, there's really nothing that you can do, beyond what's been suggested in this thread.

We get a lot of calls at the shelter from people who ask about services for their neighbor or sister or mother or cousin or friend, and we always give out as much information as we can and encourage the person to get the abused woman herself to call in. Unfortunately, that only happens maybe 10% of the time. It's sad, but someone has to be ready to take that step in order for it to really work, and some women just never are.