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[bubosquared]

So. The prison story. It's hugely ... bare. Sparse. I'm hardly getting any descriptions, just a lot of dialogue and a couple of image flashes. It's got a very black&white/sepia feeling. More than ever, I'm seeing this as a movie and not as a prose piece. It also changed to present tense in the second scene. And as even, more usual, it jumps in in medio res. This is the first scene, rewritten in the present tense:

"You're new here, aren't you?"

Jason looks up from his book. "Why?"

The other man ignores the uninviting tone and smiles at him. "I'm Lars Ulrich. Mind if I sit down?"

Jason shrugs. "It's a free prison."

Ulrich snickers as he takes the chair opposite Jason. "You're a funny man, Mr ...?"

"Newsted."

"Do you know who I am, Mr Newsted?"

"You just told me. You're Lars Ulrich."

"Do you know what I am?"

"Annoying?"

"I'm your gateway to anything you want inside this prison."

"What I want," Jason glares. "Is some fucking peace and quiet."

"Unfortunately, that's one of the very few things I don't deal in. That and freedom. But if you ever want anything else, just ask for Lars Ulrich. Everyone here knows who I am."

So what do you lot think? Does the present tense work? Should I flesh it out more? Anything?

I don't like these characters. Jason is passive, Lars is a callous bastard, James is a violent bastard, and Kirk's a leech. *frown* How can I like a story about characters I despise?

Comments

[minette.livejournal.com]

Hmm, the present tense works a little, but it would sound better as past.

If Jason is passive, make him do something or react to something while in prison. How does he feel about being in jail? Is he scared, angry, determined to get out of there? Maybe Lars pisses him off and Jason takes his fear and anger out on him.

Lars is always a callous bastard. The trick is to balance that with a good side of him. Maybe he takes one of the new prisoners under his wing while no one's looking and takes care of him, but doesn't let anyone see him since he doesn't want to blow his reputation.

Why is James so violent? Can you temper some of it down and show his softer side? And how is Kirk being a leech?

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

You're right. Now that I actually read it in present tense, it feels weird.

Jason is passive because acting [as in, being active] was what got him in jail in the first place. He doesn't want to get involved in the prison life, doesn't want to really be a prisoner. He just wants to do his time and get out of there without any scars or bonds to people inside the prison. Lars is most definitely going to be involved in getting Jason to act, but I'm not quite sure how, yet.

Lars feels guilty because he persuaded Kirk to help with the bank robbery that landed the two of them in jail. He's protecting Kirk, doing him favours, etc. Kirk knows how to play on Lars' guilt like a master. *frown* I really dislike you, Hammett. That's why I said he's a leech. He takes advantage of Lars.

I'm not sure James has a soft side in this. [Stop snickering, Timberlake!] Have you ever watched Oz? Think shades of Vern Shillinger.

*eyes Em and Fred* You two may won't turn unlikable on me, will you?

Sorry...

[almightychrissy.livejournal.com]

I don't know how to be helpful here, all I know is you're making my desperate craving for "Shawshank Redemption" slash better and worse at the same time :)

Re: Sorry...

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Wahey! That's at least some kind of result! :D