Insomnia is a harsh misstress

[bubosquared]

So. Um. There I was, re-reading Cleo's Twilight recaps (CRAAAAAACK!) and I had an instance of Fridge Logic that might actually be an instance of Fridge Brilliance, and I am so not linking those because TV Tropes is the reason I'm (still) up at this hour anyway and --

What I was trying to say: Jacob went after Bella because he somehow semi-imprinted on The Egg That Would Some Day Be Renesmee, right? Except surely Nessie is made of both an egg and a sperm, so shouldn't he have also semi-imprinted on Edward? (Or, more hysterically accurately, on his balls?)

... I cannot possibly be the first person who's thought of this, people. Somebody reassure me that I'm not before I start writing fanfic, because that would require me to actually read the damn books, and no.

Comments

[jaseroque.livejournal.com]

Well, I've certainly heard people bring it up before, but I have pretty much absolutely zero desire to delve into the pit of horror that is Twilight fandom, so I can't reassure you that someone's already done the fic (though I have to say it does seem like an opportunity waiting to happen, though the fandom seems pretty agonizingly fixed on Convenient Cypher Girl/hot annoying dude...)

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Dude, seriously, I only read Cleo's recaps, and I spent most of those yelling at the books (by proxy) to just get their threesome on already, like, god, and the idea that Jacob is basically imprinting on their hypothetical future freak baby would just add a zhole level of awesome crack wrongness to the whole thing. :D

... Okay, I'm probably more amused at this due to the insomnia, but still.

[jaseroque.livejournal.com]

To my cold-addled mind it's plenty awesome enough. Aren't Cleolinda's recaps great though? All the joy of playing horrify the Twilight noob, without any of the pain of having to read it. (Got to tell a friend about the om-nom-nom cesarean the other week. He wouldn't talk to me for about twenty minutes.)

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

To my cold-addled mind it's plenty awesome enough.

Can you imagine the Cullens' reactions if they found out? Because I'm imagining Jacob imprinting on Nessie, and being all "Well. That explains my attraction to Bella, then," and Alice blurts out that um, it takes two to creepy-baby-tango, and Edward would be horrified, and Jasper and Emmett would just collapse in a heap of helpless laughter for the next several days and then start over again once Bella wakes up and finds out, because HOLY FUCK FIDO IMPRINTED ON EDWARD'S BALLS FUNNIEST SHIT EVERRRRRRRRR!

... I mentioned the insomnia, right?

Aren't Cleolinda's recaps great though? All the joy of playing horrify the Twilight noob, without any of the pain of having to read it.

God, seriously. I'd totally play HTTN with my poor brothers, but I'm not sure how well any of this translates. BUT STILL!

Got to tell a friend about the om-nom-nom cesarean the other week. He wouldn't talk to me for about twenty minutes.)

Yeah, I ... can't really say I blame him for that, to be honest. On the other hand, you're not the one who wrote that shit, you know?

(A while ago, I randomly opened a Twilight book to see if it was really that loltastic, and I happened to open it on the "ZOMG you imprinted on my baby and then you nicknamed her after the Loch Ness monster YOU DOUCHEBAG!" scene, and apparently: yes, they are in fact that loltastic.

[ruby-fruit.livejournal.com]

Oh god don't read the books that way lies raaaaage and bad writing inflicted pain.

But yeah I'm pretty sure I've heard that mentioned. XD

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Oh, good, that means the vague bunny in my head won't come to fruition. Although really, I would only be wanting to write the Revelation scene, because Edward's face in my head is hilarious. :D

Also! Since you apparently know this shit: is there (lol)fanfic that gives us the resolution to the (psychic) werewolf paternity drama that Smeyers brings up in like several books and then drops like it's hot once Bella gets pregant? Because that sounds kinda entertaining, especially with Edward listening in.

(Jasper: "Hey Edward, what's the latest on All My Werewolves?"
Edward: "I'm not sure what he did, but apparently Potential Babydaddy #2 has been banished from the couch to the bathtub."
Emmmett: "Harsh."
Alice: "Oh, be sure to tune in on Friday, because I psychically sense that shit is going to go down."
Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie: *clear their schedule for Friday*)

[elfiepike.livejournal.com]

lololol i DEFINITELY thought of that as well! my (mormon, incidentally) friend and i figure jacob didn't imprint on edward because renesme's perfect sperm had not yet been created--because dude's junk is refilling, no? as opposed to the ladies with the set serving options of eggs? XD

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

No no, but that's the thing -- vampires normally can't have babies (a fact that is a source of much angst to Rosalie, because OMGBABIES are the single most important thing in any woman's life wether she admits it or not) and the only reason Nessie exists is because Edward still had his last "human" load of sperm stored up becuase he's not had sex or even masturbated, ever, especially not since he got turned 100-odd years ago.

... No, seriously, not making any of that up.

So The Sperm That Would Be Nessie is inside Edward's balls the entire time.