(no subject)

[bubosquared]

Was reading this interview on the train home, and the interviewee was oing the whole "If everyone'd smaile a little more, people wouldb happier"" spiel and as usual, that piss me off.

First of all, I don't have a naturally smiling face. Even when I'm blissfully happy, I don't really smile. To a stranger, my smile looks like a neutral face. Frankly, I don't feel like hutring my face just so I'd have a perceivable smile on it all day. That'd just make me even crankier. Secondly, I hate with a passion having to hide that I'm unhappy. I spent a large part of my life doing jus that, and I got touroughly fucked up in the process.

And I realise that there's a difference between putting on a happy face for strangers and hiding things from people close to you, but ... Pretending that I'm happy even though I'm not makes me remember why I always have a cutter knife in my pen case.

(It's a habit I pickedup around my thirteenth. That knife used to be my lifeline, my guarantee that if at any time things got too much, I could get out. I never actually used it, mostly because my fear of taking sharp metal to my own skin is pretty damn strong, but it helped. I spent quite a few hours sitting in my open window, nearly freezing, col steel pressed to my wrist. It's a safe, comforing feeling, and to this day, when I see an image of a knife on a wrist, my first reaction isn't fear or digust, but comfort. This is how screwed up I (still) am.)

Wow. That went from ranty to pensive pretty damn fast.