(no subject)

[bubosquared]

Oh, look, another MST. This time, my partner in crime was synisism, and the story reviewed is Leaves And Kings.

Legolas couldn't help the smile that lifted to his face and brushed past his fair cheeks. Blond hair fell into grey eyes as he ran a hand gently through it. Eyes like stars focused in on their subject of desire- Aragon son of Arathorn.

femgeek: Um, either this author has serious POV problems, or Legolas hsa a serious crush on himself there.
stanRHCP666: Well, maybe he's nacisistic. -A smile lifted his face? A rouge smile on the loose?
femgeek: Aie! Watch out for those!
femgeek: And, ew, I don't even wanna imagine having my face lifted.
femgeek: Ahaha!
femgeek: Face-lift. I kill me.
stanRHCP666: Attacking innocent Elves every where! Special on Fox at 9!
femgeek: When smailes attack!
stanRHCP666: Face lift? Isn't Legolas to young for plastic surgury?
femgeek: That would explain the perpetually young looks of the elves.
stanRHCP666: Ha! Thier secret is revealed!
stanRHCP666: They know the best plastic surgeons in Hollywood, they use Chere's people.

Stepping out into the forest, Legolas sat down at the base of a stream and leaned against the back of a tree. He felt his tears begin to fall freely upon fair cheeks and gasped, surprise. Obvviously, this was more than a fixation. But, how can it be that an immortal could love and then only watch his mortal love die? How cruel is fate?

stanRHCP666: I want to give this person a spellchecker, or a swift kick in the arse.
femgeek: I vote for the second.
femgeek: And a grammar lesson or two. hundred.
stanRHCP666: Me too. And what? Sudden sobbing equals love to an lf?
stanRHCP666: *Elf. bah
femgeek: Legolas is a teenaged girl. **sporks author** He's pretty damn old, yo, and he's brave.
femgeek: She made legolas cry. I may never forgive her for this.
stanRHCP666: I decided not to forgive her a paragraph ago. You just don't fuck with Legolas.
stanRHCP666: And since when do streams have bases?
femgeek: Unless you're Aragorn. Or Boromir. Or Gimli. And as long as you don't. make. him. CRY!
stanRHCP666: *snort* That was 'fuck with' not 'fuck'.
femgeek: Well, if Legolas and Aragorn both fuck Boromir, they're fucking him with each other, yes?
stanRHCP666: *groan* I should know better than to use logic on you.
femgeek: :D

Aragorn sat down, next to him and leaned his body against the lean elvish one and Legolas shuddered at the touch. He begged, in his mind, for Aragorn to leave, but he stayed. The brilliant, weather beaten look of his face that he ached to kiss was there. Along with the locks of raven-dark hair. He was kingly. Is an Elven Prince good enough for a King of Man?

femgeek: Again with the narcissism.
stanRHCP666: Kill me, I don't even know where to start.
femgeek: Start by sporking the writer.
femgeek: I BEG you!
femgeek: In my mind.
stanRHCP666: *rotf!*
stanRHCP666: *stab!*
femgeek: koay, i'm confused. He's narcissistic, but has an inferiority complex. WTF?
stanRHCP666: Is an Elven Prince good enough? Helloo? Superior species here!
stanRHCP666: Dude, this make no sense. At all. *stabs*
femgeek: Gah. Moving on! Oh god, he sings a song for Aragon. "Would you like to come up and hearmy poetry?" Legolas is a dirty old man.
stanRHCP666: Ahaha! Loegolas cruises grade school parking lots in stained wool trousers, asking little children if they want to hear a song.
femgeek: **twitch** This bitch is ruining my teenage memories!
stanRHCP666: *patpat* Don't worry, we shall mock the badfic to death and there will be no more Dirtyoldman!Legolas

"I'm... a male elf. And, I'm not nearly as noble as you. And, you're so beautiful-" he babbled back at the Strider.

femgeek: Um. Strider is a *nickname*! Not the name of a species or people.
stanRHCP666: *STAB!*
stanRHCP666: When did Legolas become a teeny?
femgeek: **twitch** **spasm** **SPORK**
stanRHCP666: Not as noble as him? The fuck? Who is this and where is Legolas? Bastards.
stanRHCP666: I can't even stab them, it's not violent enough.
femgeek: I want to tear them apart with my HANDS!
stanRHCP666: Good idea! Where are my thumbscrews...
femgeek: **nails writers fingres to table so they can NEVER DO THIS AGAIN!**
femgeek: And we're only a third through. Moving on!

As Legolas marched down the halls away from the feast, he sang to the walls and got the sudden urge and instantly broke out into song. Lindir, coming down the hallway, reapeated the ballad eagerly and laughed.

"So, friend... what are you up to now?"

"I can't tell you," Legolas smiled.

"Happier than a star?"

"I'm a comet sailing across the sky!" Legolas exclaimed back.

femgeek: Stars are happy?
stanRHCP666: *whimper.*
stanRHCP666: He 'exclaimed back'? Kill me. now.
stanRHCP666: He sang to the walls? Now Legolas is insane?
femgeek: No, dammit, we've to finish this and I'm not sitting through this alone!
stanRHCP666: *pout*
stanRHCP666: *pets the Elf* Poor boy.
femgeek: I wanna die.
stanRHCP666: Me too. Lets off the writer instead.
femgeek: OKay, hang on, he's singing to the walls, then he gets an urge (hehehehe) and breaks out into song. Wha?
stanRHCP666: The writer is on crack.
femgeek: BAD crack!
stanRHCP666: Bad MONKEY crack!

He sucked delicately on the heat of Aragorn's touch moaning softly in rapture as he touched the man for whom he'd fallen in love.

stanRHCP666: Huh? He sucked on the heat of his touch?
femgeek: FOR whom? Wha?
stanRHCP666: ...ow...
femgeek: And if I never see the word "rapture" in a story again, it'll be too FUCKING soon.
stanRHCP666: Rapture, isn't that when you flip out in church?
femgeek: Ow, you bitch, I just choked on my smoke. :p And, um, I think that's ... extacy or something. or possession.
stanRHCP666: *snerk* Teach you to smoke while talking to me.

"Dunadan?" Legolas said softly.

"Yes, beautiful one?" Aragorn replied.

"I have never-"

"It will be alright. I'll show you. Just trust me," Aragorn said and prepared to start again.

"No, you don't understand. I am a true virgin to lads and lasses," he gulped. "For elves... mating symbolizes that you have found the person you are to spend your life with. Permanently," he whispered almost afraid of Aragorn's reaction.

femgeek: ... Where to start? 1. Why is he calling the man Dunadan? Does this author call hre lovers by their profession while they're having sex?
stanRHCP666: Aragorn calling someone 'beautiful one'? The hell?
femgeek: 2. Legolas. virgin. one of these things DO NOT belong!
femgeek: 3. "Lads and lasses" -- Legolas is SCOTTISH?
stanRHCP666: A scottish elf! One good thing out of that: Legolas in a kilt.
stanRHCP666: And Legolas is so not a virgin, no way.
femgeek: Oooh, nice one. i think we found our cool concept of the badfic!
femgeek: Dude! He's at least a couple of centuries old, yo!
femgeek: Argh.
stanRHCP666: No sex for a few centuries? His right hand would be worn off.
femgeek: I'm speechless.
stanRHCP666: I'm in pain

Aragorn moved and blew gently on Legolas' elfhood, smiling as the lad shuddered and moaned softly. Then, he took it into his mouth and sucked softly. Legolas felt like he was going insane. He was being touched everywhere as he felt Aragorn's hands move across him. Meanwhile, Aragorn's tongue was wrapped around the head of his penis. It sucked and pulled gently, and then he raked his teeth softly down the sides. Sucking harder and faster, Legolas found his hands in Aragorn's hair.

"Yes, now!" he screamed as he felt Aragorn's hands wrap around his ass, fingers seeking the crack that lay there.

femgeek: Elfhood. Elfhood. ELFHOOD! **sporksporksporksporksporkspork**
stanRHCP666: Gahhh! The root of the whole MST! Motherfucking Elfhood!
stanRHCP666: Also, 'lad'? Dude how old is Legolas?
femgeek: And here I thought "manhood" was bad. Someone needs to tell the writer that the "man" in "manhood" refers to the gender and not the species,yo!
femgeek: Well, he is young according to elvish standards. But still.
stanRHCP666: True, but here it's Aragorn thibking of him as a lad.
femgeek: And Aragorn can wrap his tonge around Legolas' penis? o_O The man hsa unexpected talents.
stanRHCP666: And 'Manhood' is a bodice-ripper term.
femgeek: That, too.
stanRHCP666: *choke* Oh ew, not an image I needed.
femgeek: "the crack that lay there"
femgeek: Words cannot describe the horror that is this line!
stanRHCP666: Legolas is a mule? An illegal drug smuggler?
femgeek: That doesn't really help, Amy.

The man picked him up and gently carried him to the bed. Legolas sighed contented as he settled among down, silk and rose petals.

stanRHCP666: :P I'm supposed to be helping?
femgeek: Rose petals.
stanRHCP666: Rose petals.
femgeek: Someone take away this writer's Harlequin novels!
stanRHCP666: And silk.
femgeek: I'm too traumatised to even b funny anymore. **sporks** I need a drink.
stanRHCP666: *sob*
stanRHCP666: I need alcohol.
femgeek: Just a bit more and we're done. I'm gonna skip the rest of the smut, because it's just too bad.

"Thank you, loving king," the elf whispered against the man's chest.

"No, it is I who should thank you, beautiful leaf," Aragorn replied.

femgeek: Bodice ripper! Gah!
stanRHCP666: *stabs!* Who are these characters?
femgeek: And what have they done with Legolas and Aragorn?
femgeek: I get it! It's a LotR/Invasion of the Body Snatchers crossover!
stanRHCP666: Pod people!
femgeek: Pod Elves!
femgeek: With elfhoods.
femgeek: (Podhoods?)
stanRHCP666: Ahahaha!*choke* *die*
femgeek: Last words before I post this?
stanRHCP666: Kill it. Kill it now.
femgeek: Legolas. Virgin. One of these things do not belong.
stanRHCP666: Legolas = Sex (with Aragorn. Or Boromir.)
stanRHCP666: Or anyone really.
femgeek: Yes!
stanRHCP666: Woo! Elf sex for everyone! (but no elfhoods)

Comments

[minette.livejournal.com]

Gah! I made it through the first three lines of that story before I gave it up for a lost cause. And 'elfhood' is such a wrong term. Makes me think of Legolas dressed in gang colors and defending his turf with blunts and forties. We be down in the Elf Hood!

And yes with the Boromir/Aragorn/Legolas yumminess.

[thegrimtuesday.livejournal.com]

The only reason I managed to make it through this entry was because you two are so *right!*

Someone, outlaw bodice rippers and give this writer some sense!

[ktnb]

Oh my holy god...that is going in my badfic folder. Elfwood? Elfwood?!? I laughed so hard I think I broke something!

[sunshinegirl.livejournal.com]

Heh. *grin* Yeah, messa thought so too.

Elfhood was good when used by Pythoness as a joke, but this author is serious about it, I'm afraid.

And yes, this would be The Fic That Made Me Afraid To Write L/A.

Re:

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Where was that? I'd like to see it used in a nudge nudge, wink wink sort of way. Need to eradicate the memory before I give in to the urge to claw my eyes out.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh dear...I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard. True, it was laughter mixed with pain (and little guilt...the poor writer), but it was funny. And kind of terrifying.
(http://lacorneille.diaryland.com)