bubosquared | In which I ramble.

Randomly realised that ever since "The Trip" -- and god, how I hate that term, how I loathe it with all the bitterness I still feel about the whole thing and how very fucking much that still is despite the fact that it's been over. six. damn. years. and I should be the fuck over it already-

Stop, rewind, replay.

Randomly realised that ever since I ran away from home, I stopped looking towards my parents for ... solutions. Consolation. Help. I've felt, if not been, responsible for myself and my life since I was 14 years old. I've fucked up grandly a lot of times, but I never expected or wanted my parents to fix things. Because when I was going through my thirteen-year-old's-version of hell, they did nothing, didn't notice, didn't interfere, didn't do anything to fix it until it was -- from my point of view -- too late. The damage had been done. I had learnt what everyone learns at one point in their lives: parents cannot fix everything. I also learned (wrongly?) that mine seem to not even try until it interfered with my schoolwork.

(Looking back, I'm thinking maybe that's when my resentment with school began. Coupled with the fact that I changed schools after that; went to a school where I was behind in the subjects I had most problems with (math,Latin) and ahead in my easy subjects (languages). My grades dropped, no matter how hard I tried, and after a while I gave up, studied enough to pass, and fled into books. Away from school, from parents, from obligations, from my writer's block.)

(I hardly ever read books anymore.)

I'm seriously considering emigration. (This is not a non sequitur.) I want, for the first time in my life, to feel as if I'm running towards things, and not away from them. (Running towards freedom back then didn't count. That was a run away from the pain.) I want to move to London or NYC because I want to go there, specifically, because these places have things (people) I want to be near to, not because there are things in Belgium I want to leave behind.

I will miss my family. I will miss my brothers. I will miss having someone (Sanne) to "mother", to play sugar mommy to, to take out to concerts, to be the cool, rebellious older sibling I always wanted when I was his age. I will miss sing Rob become an adult, move out, etc. I will miss the discussions with my dad (though not with mum, who can be awfully prejudiced and often gets too personal for me to enjoy the discussion on an intellectual level).

(The use of "sibling" in the above paragraph is not coincidental, by the way. I wanted an older brother. Someone to goof around with, someone who would take me to concerts and places. It seemed to be something only brothers did. All anyone's older sisters ever seemed to do is dress them up give them makeovers. (Which, I know, I did to my brother too. Once! And he asked!))

(Also incidentally, I think it's odd that all three of us are so creative. I'm a writer with a strong drawing urge( but more on that another time), Sanne writes and draws, Rob draws and is studying image and sound techniques. My parents ... I can't say they're not creative, because they are, it's just that as far as I can see, they lack the drive, urge, the necessity behind it that makes me spend most of my free time writing or talking about writing, that made Rob go study what he does, that I think will become apparent in Sanne as well.)

I will miss Belgium, come to think of it. I love living in this country, love the weather, am mostly happy with the way things are run here (social services, laws, etc., the only large exception being the fucking negation law, but that's a bitch unto itself), and no matter what, I was born here. This is my home, no matter how far and long I wander.

But all that isn't enough to keep me here, not when there's so little else to keep me here, to ground me into place here. (Horrible grammar there, self.) (Shut up.) Not when I really want to live somewhere where there are people I can connect to. And for reasons I ~~can't pinpoint~~ don't feel like talking about, I can't just reach out and connect to random people in the street. I don't go anywhere IRL, and when I do, I don't like to talk to people.

(Actually, no let's talk about my inability to connect to random people. Because I know exactly why. I don't like small talk anymore. When I talk, I want it to be about something that interests me. This can be anything from you (i.e. my friends) to fandom, to writing (hi, Sae!) to me (but only in small amounts) to current events, to whatever, just anything but the endless stream of getting-to-know-you. That doesn't seem to happen in fandom. Just two people being interested in the same thing, talking about that, and striking up a connection. My interest (writing) is a solitary one. One doesn't go out to a writer's club and meets new friends. It just doesn't happen.)

I'm in the process of learning to accept that. I'm nearly there, in the stage where it's dawning on me that the solution would be, instead of wishing I could go out and meet people I can connect to, to go to where there are people I already connect to. Which means either the States or the UK. (I could go to Austria, I suppose, but German is a language that doesn't click in my brain.) If it's the former, it'll be NYC (because I've always dreamt of living there, and I think it'll be just 'international' and 'European' enough that I can get by); if it's the latter, London.

I know, rationally, that London would be the better choice. I'd fit in, accent-wise, mentality-wise. My current job would supply enough experience to get a semi-decent one there, I think. Hope. It'd be easier to get the paperwork I'd need, and it's dead close to Belgium, so I could visit my family on a semi-regular basis.

But what I really want is NYC. Because really, I don't know that many people in/around London, and I know at least a handful of people in NYC, and well ... there's something about NYC that's always attracted me, ever since I first fled into E&S, back during the Episode. (Aka The motherfucking Trip, aka running away from home. See how it all goes in circles?)

(The E&S ref wasn't out of the blue. La Nueva, the city where it takes place, is a post-apocayptic-ish version of the in-my-head-version of NYC.)

Sigh.

And really, this is all far into the future; say three to four years. But if I want to keep both my options open (London and NYC), I need to start looking into this Green Card business. And I need to work out wether I actually am running towards and not still from things (and people), and decide where I'm going to go, and and and ...

And also, at one point, mention this to my family.

(Edit: And if I do decide on NYC, I shall need brain surgery, or at the very leat a poke in the head, to learn to adapt to the goddamned money. I'm used to different colours for each banknote, people. All that green confuses me. ^_^)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Re: job market. I'm hearing contradictory noises about this. You say bad, others say good. I'm confused. I may take you up on that offer, but I'm not sure if I would be suitable for a job in the publisher's market. Much as I'd love the work, English is not my native tongue, I doubt that there's much need for Dutch-speakers, and my French will never ever be good enough to do more than order food and drinks.

(However, I'm told there's a lot of openings in the administrative market, and I think my experience in this job, along with my European high school diploma, may land me a decent job at any rate.)

Re: "exploring" -- ... I don't know if I do have time to do that. I may seem young to you, and I probably am, but I've been ... aimless for the last three years, and I'm getting tired of it. I want some sort of goal in my life, even if it's just a short-term goal, and emigration and succeeding (job-wise) in NYC would be the sort of goal I can reach for and accomplish.

the industries that are currently suffering are those that depend on current trends to succeed: adventising, publishing, the media, etc. I'm actually doing well because I have 'family fare' to sell and that's where the movie/tv people are looking right now. However, you can do administrative work at a publishing house if you so wished. A good assistant is the best thing in the world, so like I said, when you're ready - whether it be NY, Canada or London, (or anywhere else for that matter cause the conglonmerate I work for spans the world...). Not only that but a Dutch reader/speaker could help my division in acquiring rights from a Dutch publisher - we have several German readers but none who read Dutch; heck if you were intersted in doing it NOW I could arrange it (or at least tell the NY office that if we need a Dutch reader, I know one - howzat?)(oh by the way - it would be kids and young adult novels....)

I understand the need to get on with your life and have goals and dreams. I say, go for it.

Now as in right now is not really an option. However, my current contract runs out next August, and while I'm rather sure of an indefinite contract after that, ... I suppose it would be a logical time to leave. However, I'm not sure I can get a visa by that time.

I'm also not sure I could sell this to my parents unless I was really sure of having a job once I'm there. (Not that I need their permission, but I'll need their help for a number of things. If nothing else, driving me to the airport, as I don't drive.)

So. I don't know. :/

and if you want to 'read' on the side, let me know too; I think they pay a flat fee per book read and synopsis done.

you culd always "visit" with the intention of interviewing and looking around and stuff ... set up interviews ahead of time.

Just thoughts....

Well, as you can gleam from recent postage, I'm looking into wether or not I cn make August.

Problem is, I can't afford to go visit. It's really gonna be a matter of going there, gfetting the job, and then gathering the funds to get my furniture and stuff over.

let me know as we get closer to the time and I'll give you leads, email addies and phone numbers of folks willing to help. K?

and you can use me as a reference on your resume too. email me directly when you need that I'll give you my real life name and addy and stuff (SibylJes probably won't fly on a resume).

Well, um. Send away, please? minerva at femgeeks dot net

And thanks. :)

In which I ramble.

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okay - well, when you're ready let me know!!!!

Re: okay - well, when you're ready let me know!!!!

gotcha

Re: gotcha