bubosquared | In which I ramble.

In which I ramble.

Randomly realised that ever since "The Trip" -- and god, how I hate that term, how I loathe it with all the bitterness I still feel about the whole thing and how very fucking much that still is despite the fact that it's been over. six. damn. years. and I should be the fuck over it already-

Stop, rewind, replay.

Randomly realised that ever since I ran away from home, I stopped looking towards my parents for ... solutions. Consolation. Help. I've felt, if not been, responsible for myself and my life since I was 14 years old. I've fucked up grandly a lot of times, but I never expected or wanted my parents to fix things. Because when I was going through my thirteen-year-old's-version of hell, they did nothing, didn't notice, didn't interfere, didn't do anything to fix it until it was -- from my point of view -- too late. The damage had been done. I had learnt what everyone learns at one point in their lives: parents cannot fix everything. I also learned (wrongly?) that mine seem to not even try until it interfered with my schoolwork.

(Looking back, I'm thinking maybe that's when my resentment with school began. Coupled with the fact that I changed schools after that; went to a school where I was behind in the subjects I had most problems with (math,Latin) and ahead in my easy subjects (languages). My grades dropped, no matter how hard I tried, and after a while I gave up, studied enough to pass, and fled into books. Away from school, from parents, from obligations, from my writer's block.)

(I hardly ever read books anymore.)

I'm seriously considering emigration. (This is not a non sequitur.) I want, for the first time in my life, to feel as if I'm running towards things, and not away from them. (Running towards freedom back then didn't count. That was a run away from the pain.) I want to move to London or NYC because I want to go there, specifically, because these places have things (people) I want to be near to, not because there are things in Belgium I want to leave behind.

I will miss my family. I will miss my brothers. I will miss having someone (Sanne) to "mother", to play sugar mommy to, to take out to concerts, to be the cool, rebellious older sibling I always wanted when I was his age. I will miss sing Rob become an adult, move out, etc. I will miss the discussions with my dad (though not with mum, who can be awfully prejudiced and often gets too personal for me to enjoy the discussion on an intellectual level).

(The use of "sibling" in the above paragraph is not coincidental, by the way. I wanted an older brother. Someone to goof around with, someone who would take me to concerts and places. It seemed to be something only brothers did. All anyone's older sisters ever seemed to do is dress them up give them makeovers. (Which, I know, I did to my brother too. Once! And he asked!))

(Also incidentally, I think it's odd that all three of us are so creative. I'm a writer with a strong drawing urge( but more on that another time), Sanne writes and draws, Rob draws and is studying image and sound techniques. My parents ... I can't say they're not creative, because they are, it's just that as far as I can see, they lack the drive, urge, the necessity behind it that makes me spend most of my free time writing or talking about writing, that made Rob go study what he does, that I think will become apparent in Sanne as well.)

I will miss Belgium, come to think of it. I love living in this country, love the weather, am mostly happy with the way things are run here (social services, laws, etc., the only large exception being the fucking negation law, but that's a bitch unto itself), and no matter what, I was born here. This is my home, no matter how far and long I wander.

But all that isn't enough to keep me here, not when there's so little else to keep me here, to ground me into place here. (Horrible grammar there, self.) (Shut up.) Not when I really want to live somewhere where there are people I can connect to. And for reasons I ~~can't pinpoint~~ don't feel like talking about, I can't just reach out and connect to random people in the street. I don't go anywhere IRL, and when I do, I don't like to talk to people.

(Actually, no let's talk about my inability to connect to random people. Because I know exactly why. I don't like small talk anymore. When I talk, I want it to be about something that interests me. This can be anything from you (i.e. my friends) to fandom, to writing (hi, Sae!) to me (but only in small amounts) to current events, to whatever, just anything but the endless stream of getting-to-know-you. That doesn't seem to happen in fandom. Just two people being interested in the same thing, talking about that, and striking up a connection. My interest (writing) is a solitary one. One doesn't go out to a writer's club and meets new friends. It just doesn't happen.)

I'm in the process of learning to accept that. I'm nearly there, in the stage where it's dawning on me that the solution would be, instead of wishing I could go out and meet people I can connect to, to go to where there are people I already connect to. Which means either the States or the UK. (I could go to Austria, I suppose, but German is a language that doesn't click in my brain.) If it's the former, it'll be NYC (because I've always dreamt of living there, and I think it'll be just 'international' and 'European' enough that I can get by); if it's the latter, London.

I know, rationally, that London would be the better choice. I'd fit in, accent-wise, mentality-wise. My current job would supply enough experience to get a semi-decent one there, I think. Hope. It'd be easier to get the paperwork I'd need, and it's dead close to Belgium, so I could visit my family on a semi-regular basis.

But what I really want is NYC. Because really, I don't know that many people in/around London, and I know at least a handful of people in NYC, and well ... there's something about NYC that's always attracted me, ever since I first fled into E&S, back during the Episode. (Aka The motherfucking Trip, aka running away from home. See how it all goes in circles?)

(The E&S ref wasn't out of the blue. La Nueva, the city where it takes place, is a post-apocayptic-ish version of the in-my-head-version of NYC.)

Sigh.

And really, this is all far into the future; say three to four years. But if I want to keep both my options open (London and NYC), I need to start looking into this Green Card business. And I need to work out wether I actually am running towards and not still from things (and people), and decide where I'm going to go, and and and ...

And also, at one point, mention this to my family.

(Edit: And if I do decide on NYC, I shall need brain surgery, or at the very leat a poke in the head, to learn to adapt to the goddamned money. I'm used to different colours for each banknote, people. All that green confuses me. ^_^)

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But the one thing I do know is that if you feeling an increasing pull to BE somewhere else, then it's best to take the leap. Because even if you find out that it was the wrong choice, at least you tried.

See, the thing is, I have a history of running away from things, from problems. And I don't want to do that anymore. I want to make sure that if I go, it will be because I want to be where I'm going, not just because there's things here I want to get away from.

Not to mention the fact that if you move down the street, or from one city to another, or from one state to another, or from one state to one all the way across the USA, or from one country to another - you're still moving; it's still traumatic because you still have to pack up your life and bring it from one place to another. Some moves are more traumatic because when you get where you're going you have to literally start over. But it's still a move, and a change and it takes courage and heart, and fear and a lot of other things to make changes.

The thing is (and I think I've talked about this in my other journal somewhere) that when I ran away from home, I emotionally cut myself off from everything and everyone I'd known, and I never really had that bond with ... things, places, grow back.

"Home," to me, is wherever I am. A place to crash, to keep my stuff, to go to be alone, that's all I really need.

"Home," to me, is wherever I am. A place to crash, to keep my stuff, to go to be alone, that's all I really need.

I understand this too. But Home, as I've gotten older has also come to mean the place around where I keep my furniture and my cats and my stuff and where I write and where I go to be alone. It's become the place where I can exist peacefully, not in pain, and that gives me peace of mind. LA gives me peace of mind; NYC didn't. The air is drier here, no more arthritis (altho sooner or later it'll come back - just that the heat is different).

I have a history of running away too. Everytime I left somewhere tho, the doors had already closed so I moved somewhere else to start over. But for some reason when ever I left somewhere, the door had completely closed, clanged shut, you can almost hear it. So it's the process of my life.

I'm not comparing in the least; just giving examples (I hope). It's also a mighty big jump from Belgium to NYC or even London. I know people who have done it tho. I'm good friends with the woman who is the daughter of the man who owns the comglomerate I work for. She moved from Germany to NYC to work here, and did her damndest to stay here; then moved to Switzerland and is now doing something with the Foundation in Germany again. I know her heart is in NYC tho. And my friends who I visited the other night. Vanessa is from Austria. She moved to London, bought a flat, settled down and realized she was way to young ot be so settled. So she visited the USA and met Stuart and well - there they are. I love them; they're my adopted family - I had to go thru a year of bullshit with little brother (BFUM) to meet them but if BFUM fell off the earth tomorrow, I'd applaud (S&V know how I feel so...)(I'd probably push!).

Another person, who also did the German intern program - interned in the contracts department and went to law school here, finished her law degree in Germany and now is an employee of my company as our attorney. Boy, am I happy to have her. She's both a friend, logical as all get out, and good at her job.

I see 'transplantees' in the entertainment industry who have moved back and forth between NYC and LA depending on the whims of their company.

I understand what you're saying. About not leaving because you want to get away; if you decide to take the leap ... or even do an experiment for a few months and you need a job or anything, let me know. Presently the job climate in NYC is baaaad. Still, jobs can be had and assistants in entertainment and publishing are always needed somewhere and I have lots of contacts.

BUT you're also 20 and you have time to explore... Stuart did the backpack across Europe thing; I have another friend who just quit her life in San Fran working for Lucas to do the same - to experience life. I wish I had done that too - it would have been good for me but back when I was that young I was TOO young and scared. I did my own exploring of the world which isn't done yet. I'm taking a break this year but I sorely miss not going to Germany and then Paris and then the French countryside. And I won't be going to London in the Spring and I love Europe.

It's harder making a leap like this when you're older because you think "this might be the last time" but I'm stubborn like that. Stubborn like bull. :)

Anyway, you have a lot to think about - it you want to bounce it off me I'm here somewhere and happy to listen and tell stories (cause somehow or other I always wind up telling stories as examples).

Re: job market. I'm hearing contradictory noises about this. You say bad, others say good. I'm confused. I may take you up on that offer, but I'm not sure if I would be suitable for a job in the publisher's market. Much as I'd love the work, English is not my native tongue, I doubt that there's much need for Dutch-speakers, and my French will never ever be good enough to do more than order food and drinks.

(However, I'm told there's a lot of openings in the administrative market, and I think my experience in this job, along with my European high school diploma, may land me a decent job at any rate.)

Re: "exploring" -- ... I don't know if I do have time to do that. I may seem young to you, and I probably am, but I've been ... aimless for the last three years, and I'm getting tired of it. I want some sort of goal in my life, even if it's just a short-term goal, and emigration and succeeding (job-wise) in NYC would be the sort of goal I can reach for and accomplish.

the industries that are currently suffering are those that depend on current trends to succeed: adventising, publishing, the media, etc. I'm actually doing well because I have 'family fare' to sell and that's where the movie/tv people are looking right now. However, you can do administrative work at a publishing house if you so wished. A good assistant is the best thing in the world, so like I said, when you're ready - whether it be NY, Canada or London, (or anywhere else for that matter cause the conglonmerate I work for spans the world...). Not only that but a Dutch reader/speaker could help my division in acquiring rights from a Dutch publisher - we have several German readers but none who read Dutch; heck if you were intersted in doing it NOW I could arrange it (or at least tell the NY office that if we need a Dutch reader, I know one - howzat?)(oh by the way - it would be kids and young adult novels....)

I understand the need to get on with your life and have goals and dreams. I say, go for it.

Now as in right now is not really an option. However, my current contract runs out next August, and while I'm rather sure of an indefinite contract after that, ... I suppose it would be a logical time to leave. However, I'm not sure I can get a visa by that time.

I'm also not sure I could sell this to my parents unless I was really sure of having a job once I'm there. (Not that I need their permission, but I'll need their help for a number of things. If nothing else, driving me to the airport, as I don't drive.)

So. I don't know. :/

and if you want to 'read' on the side, let me know too; I think they pay a flat fee per book read and synopsis done.

you culd always "visit" with the intention of interviewing and looking around and stuff ... set up interviews ahead of time.

Just thoughts....

Well, as you can gleam from recent postage, I'm looking into wether or not I cn make August.

Problem is, I can't afford to go visit. It's really gonna be a matter of going there, gfetting the job, and then gathering the funds to get my furniture and stuff over.

let me know as we get closer to the time and I'll give you leads, email addies and phone numbers of folks willing to help. K?

and you can use me as a reference on your resume too. email me directly when you need that I'll give you my real life name and addy and stuff (SibylJes probably won't fly on a resume).

Well, um. Send away, please? minerva at femgeeks dot net

And thanks. :)

I know you probably don't want my input, but I do have some personal experience to back up what I want to say.

I moved all the way across the country, and I did it because I didn't want to go to school with all those people I'd gone to school with all my life. I didn't want that constant reminder of my own junior high trauma. It sounds like running away, and maybe it was, but it never felt that way. It didn't feel like running to, either. It just felt like living my life. And it was really, really good for me. Being away from everyone I'd ever known gave me the time and distance to deal with my problems. I could think about them without having to be constantly confronted with the reminders of it. And now, I want to go live in California again. Not in my hometown, but somewhere in California. I guess my point is that if it's something you need to do for you, do it, because it can be really helpful to be somewhere else, and if you decide later that Belgium is your home and where you need to be, there's nothing that says you can't move back there.

Actually, you did help me realise that distance can be a good thing. It's just that I'e done this before, running away to anyother country, and that didn't exactly work out. (Mostly because I was fourteen at the time, but that doesn't mean my fear of screwing up again is any less. :/)

I think the important thing to remember is that you were fourteen and you didn't really have the resources to make a reliable plan. This time, you're older, you have some work experience, and you're making a careful plan before you do it. The only thing I would really worry about is if you make this an all or nothing life decision. I think it's a good idea, and I know it's something you really want to do, but if it doesn't work out or if you later decide you want to live in Belgium again, I don't want you to think that that makes you a failure, because it wouldn't. It would just be another direction you would need to go.

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In which I ramble.

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okay - well, when you're ready let me know!!!!

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