In which I whine about my mother.

[bubosquared]

I find myself wanting to Talk to my mother. Not just talk, but Talk. Sit down at the kitchen table with mugs of coffee and talk about my life, and Molly, and the whole tangled web of friendships and relationships, about contentment, about the last time I went 'clubbing' and how the music was good, about this cool mesh shirt I found for 200 francs ($5), about my plans for the puppie concert, about how I'm looking forward to December, to seeing Molly, to seeing Tri, about how she's my best friend and in many ways my favourite person, bitch a little about the hardship of having nearly all your friends and close accquaintences live six timezones away, and other life stuff like that.

But when I try to picture this as more than a daydream, it just doesn't compute. My mother and I don't Talk. Fact of life. My dad and I? Sure, we Talk. Over lunch, and maybe it's not a real Talk, but it's more than a talk, and he's up on what's going on in my life. I can't do that with my mother. And I don't really know why.

Actually, I do know why. It's because I'm twenty now, and grown/growing up, and when you're grown up that means your parents aren't automatically gonna be close to you, you'be to work on maintaining a good relatioship with them, and if I worked on it, I could become friends with my mother.

Except. I don't think I really want to. I don't think my mother is the sort of person I could/want to be friends with. I don't think we can connect. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the complete difference in our basic needs and dreams; she's always wanted kids and a job she liked, while I want a job I don't hate that pays enough to get me all the toys I want, I don't want kids, and I think writing is more important (to me) than most everything else in my life. But I have that difference with my dad, too, and we connect. I don't know. Maybe it's knowing that at 16, she was a writer, and now she's not anymore, and the fear I'll end up like that.

I do know what the last straw was, though. What made me realise we're never gonna have that ideal mother-daughter relationship. Her attitude towards my lesbianism. Conversation:

Me: "Bla bla bla and I just don't like men like that."
Mother: (immediately) "You can't be sure of that."

And I know she's probably got a point, and it's not like she's condemning me or anything, and I'm sure she does actually accept that I'm gay, it's just that she says things like that and then doesn't understand why I'm hurt, says I'm overreacting when I tell her that things like that make me feel like she's denying my sexual/romantic orientation.

For fuck's sake, I talked more and easier about my dykeness with Nat's mom than with my own. And sure, that was partly the fact that she's a relative stranger, but also and mostly the fact that she accepted that I'm gay the way she accepted that I'm Belgian: as a simple fact. I say I'm gay, therefore I am gay. No second-guessing, no questioning my motives or reasons. Just acceptance.

And that's what I really want from my mother, and that's what I don't think I'll ever get. My mother is good at critique. My clothes, my body, my lovers, my life, everything about me she's criticised. And no matter how self-assured I am, no matter how self-confident, every time she says something negative about me, it stings. And no matter how much I try not to, it still affects me.

Family. Fucks you up for life.

Comments

*hugs*

[yesdrizella.livejournal.com]

I have a mother who's the same way, and I don't think I could ever be friends with her like that, either. Even though sometimes I"ve wanted to connect with her, I don't think that will ever be a possibility either.

Just a little note to let you know that I know how you feel.

*hugs*

[sandrine]

I know how you feel, hon. But I think that's just the way mothers are.

My Mum is wonderful - she gave up working when I was born and we are really close. Overall, she's very liberal and she wouldn't even dream of saying anything against gays. The problem is - she cannot accept that I also like women. As long as we're talking about other people's bi-/homosexuality, it's perfectly fine, but when it's mine, she just freaks out.

Yes, it hurts, but then again I believe it's quite common. No matter how liberal and open-minded, I guess parents (mothers in specific) always want their children to be what they have been taught to be 'normal'. A regular job, a little house with garden, marriage, the average 2.4 children and a dog. I don't want any of that, so she's disappointed. Which, in turn, hurts me.

I'd like to talk about some things, including particular relationships, with her and I just feel her closing up immediately, her uncomfortableness evident. *sighs*

Anyway, just wanted to tell you you're not alone. ^_^

[ex-frown243.livejournal.com]

Family. Fucks you up for life.

*wince* you can say that again. I think everyone has issues with their mothers at some point in their lives, and I've never met a gay/bi person yet whose mother was totally okay with it. I think it's sort of an instinctual thing - anxiety about your children not reproducing, or something to that effect. < /anthropologist mode>

I do hope that things get better between yourself and her, and try not to let her negative comments affect you too much. :)